Last month, Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes announced that they were doing a relationship advice column for Yahoo! Life, which launched on June 9. Every week, these two former co-hosts-turned-lovebirds will be doling out relationship advice, because, as Amy put it, ”Love is messy,” and they know messy! This week, Amy and T.J. tackled a question from a woman named Jennifer M. Jennifer M., 60, has been in a relationship with her husband for 10 years. They got married two years ago, but it sounds like her husband has regrets. Here’s Jennifer M’s question:
I am 60 years old and my husband of less than two years has been telling his family and friends — in my presence — that he married me out of a sense of obligation.
We had an eight-year relationship prior to getting married. He told me upfront that he didn’t want to remarry. I struggled with this privately but, with counseling, came to accept his terms. Not long after, he proposed out of the blue.
The “obligation” narrative is new. The first time he relayed this to his family, I expressed dismay and surprise, but not anger (I kept my cool). Now he’s repeating this narrative to his close friends. He doesn’t seem to understand how painful this is for me. What should I do?
The format for Amy and T.J.’s response is broken down into three segments: “Gut reaction,” “On further thought…,” and “The final word.” After initially responding with the appropriate amount of indignation at what poor Jennifer is going through, they actually gave her some well thought-out advice before finishing up with their final thoughts:
On further thought…
T.J. Holmes: Look, I recognize that people have bad moments, and maybe that’s what was going on with your husband when he said this. The scenario in which he’s saying these things might make a difference in how seriously you should take his statement. Was he out at a party? Was he trying to be funny in front of his boys? Was everybody drinking? Sometimes people say things they shouldn’t in those kinds of situations. Has your marriage been solid and good up to this point? Because if so, maybe his painful comments about obligation don’t sum up the entirety of your 10-year relationship. It’s true that everybody has some issues in their marriage.That said, no matter what he’s feeling, I absolutely take issue with him doing it in front of other people. That’s humiliating, it’s not respectful and it’s tone-deaf. It shows a lack of self-awareness. How could he not know what that would do to you? He’s essentially announcing, “I actually didn’t want to marry the person I’ve been married to for the past two years.” That is s***ty.
It breaks my heart to think that you might be holding onto a guy who’s saying these things. If he confided these feelings about marriage to you, maybe the two of you could talk through it and overcome that obstacle. But him saying this to other people is a sign of disrespect that is going to lead to resentment that you just can’t come back from. I’m sorry to say it, Jennifer, but to me, that’s a relationship killer.
The final word:
Amy Robach: It’s hard to ask these questions because you may not want to know the answer. Maybe you already know the answer he’s going to give you. And that’s scary. It may make you wonder, “I’m 60, am I ever going to find love? Is this my last and best shot at it, even if it makes me feel slightly humiliated?” That might seem better than being alone, but I would disagree with that.TH: Obviously, only you can choose which is better. People do this in relationships all the time. We — Amy and I — have done it: staying in a marriage or relationship for some reason other than our own happiness. People try to stay in unhappy marriages until their kids graduate high school, or until this or that happens. I get it. People have legitimate reasons to stay. But it’s not over just because you lose this person. And aren’t you better off being happy on your own than being with somebody who doesn’t actually want to be with you? Amy and I would give everybody this advice: You do have another shot.
I think that if they had left it at their “On further thought…” response, it would have been fine. It was a nuanced answer that delicately broke it to this woman that she needs to GTFO out that marriage. I would have started with “this is a relationship killer” but that’s just me. I understand that some people need to have all of the “what ifs” said out loud before being walked to where they need to be. The audience asking for their advice isn’t the same demographic as people doing so on TikTok or Twitter, where a simple, ”Jennifer, you in danger, girl” with a gif attached to it will suffice. I imagine that poor Jennifer M. is in a delicate emotional state right now and they broke it to her gently.
That said, T.J. didn’t need to throw shade at their exes in the end when he’s talking about how he and Amy have both stayed in unhappy marriages for the wrong reasons and how it’s not over if you “lose” that person. It’s almost as though they are so petty that they just can’t help it. Someone needs to tell them that they can impart wisdom without making everything about themselves or their exes.
Photos credit: Udo Salters/Wenn/Avalon, Getty and via Instagram