The thing is, if I was president, dumb stuff like “presidential pardons for turkeys” would be my favorite part of the job. It’s a chance for a president to shake off the dry, serious, life-or-death side of the job and show some whimsy, humor and lightness. Obviously, Donald Trump is incapable. You can tell that he’s miserable whenever they make him do a lighter holiday event, like Thanksgiving turkey pardons or giving out Halloween candy (he hates that) or the White House Easter egg hunt (he loathes that as well).
Well, this year, Trump pardoned two North Carolina turkeys, Gobble and Waddle. Do you think staffers giggled to themselves at having a turkey named Waddle given Trump’s “waddle,” aka his neck-vagine? Trump was absolutely ridiculous in what should have been the best part of his day. I think he’s actually afraid of turkeys, or maybe he’s just afraid of all animals, especially given that blonde ferret residing atop his head. Trump’s staff clearly tried to give him some political jokes and he bungled them, because no one wants to hear him make cracks about Hunter Biden at the g–damn turkey pardon!
“After a thorough and very rigorous investigation … into a terrible situation caused by a man named Sleepy Joe Biden, he used an autopen last year for the turkey’s pardon,” Trump said, citing Attorney General Pam Bondi, the FBI, the CIA and the “Department of Everything,” which he clarified was a reference to the White House.
“So, I have the official duty to determine, and I have determined, that last year’s turkey pardons are totally invalid,” the president continued. “As are the pardons of about every other person that was pardoned other than, uh, where’s Hunter?” Trump said, referring to his predecessor’s son. “No, Hunter’s was good.”
The president added that last year’s pardoned turkeys, Peach and Blossom, “have been located, and they were on their way to be processed. In other words, to be killed. But I have stopped that journey and I am officially pardoning them, and they will not be served for Thanksgiving dinner.”
After he praised his second administration’s accomplishments in its first 10 months, Trump said that when he first saw a photo of Gobble and Waddle, “I was going to call them Chuck and Nancy,” referring to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).
“But then I realized I wouldn’t be pardoning them,” he said. “I would never pardon those two people.”
Trump walked over to the 50-pound bird and said, “Gobble, I just want to tell you, this is very important: You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.”
“Gobble, I just want to tell you, this is very important.” I genuinely wish those were his last words. What an epitaph that would have been. Apparently, Trump also took a moment in his turkey-pardon speech to call Gov. JB Pritzker a “fat slob.” He also fat-shamed Gobble, which explains why Waddle was MIA. Anyway, another f–king terrible day in America.
Photos courtesy of Backgrid, Getty.
