‘Why am I not allowed on this boat?’, a drunken man screamed at the security team of an anchored pub boat in London at an event I attended back in 2013.
His glazed eyes and aversion to balance gave away that he was well over the limit.
And then, he spotted me, cradling a pint of cider.
‘Why is this p*ki allowed on?’, he spat, making sure he enunciated the slur, his eyes burning into mine.
I froze: embarrassed at the attention now on me from stunned bystanders and scared he would get past security and attack me.
Instead of responding right away, I looked around at my friends, all of whom were white and sitting in equally shocked silence.
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He was taken off the boat and we carried on drinking.
That was 12 years ago and it’s stayed with me since. It’s horrible to think about, and even more horrible to know that chances are that the man who racially abused me does not remember or care.
It came flooding back when I heard John Torode, a now-former MasterChef presenter, confirm that he had an allegation of using racist language upheld in a report that focused on the inappropriate behaviour of his co-host Gregg Wallace.
And reading Torode, who denies the allegation, claiming he has ‘no recollection’ of it, takes me back to this moment on the boat.
It seems those on the receiving end don’t have the privilege to simply forget having this type of language used against them, whereas the alleged perpetrator can go on with their lives.
In Torode’s case, that means that despite the report upholding the allegation, he feels comfortable saying ‘I do not believe that it happened.’
The incident, which took place in what was Torode’s workplace, reminded me of a former job when a manager at my work told me she wanted to tan on holiday, but ‘not too much, just Sharan’s skin tone amount’.
I regularly replay it in my head – not only the disgusting comment, but the fact that she appeared to think nothing of it and simply went on with her day.
I raised it much later, instead of right away, because, as a person of colour, I’m regularly made to feel like any feelings I have about racialised language is ‘over the top’ or that I’m ’being sensitive’. There was an attempt to bury it with an apology, which I never got – they just ignored it until it went away, and I was too concerned to ‘rock the boat’ to push for any justice.
I imagine the contestant who made the allegation against Torode may have faced similar hurdles and felt that similar sense of helplessness.
While Torode has now been sacked, it seems clear that a wider problem here is being avoided. And that is that using racist language is so normalised, it can be forgotten or dismissed so easily.
This shouldn’t be the end of the matter, and I want to know what is being done to make a change in the systems upholding this behaviour, at the BBC and other institutions.
With Gregg Wallace facing complaints of making sexually inappropriate comments and now Torode’s alleged racial language, it seems like the MasterChef kitchen was a toxic environment to be in – specifically for women of colour.
There needs to be a more secure system of accountability in spaces that evidently need all the help they can get to become safe.
If the BBC are hellbent on being more diverse, they need to create a space that values diversity, not to dump women of colour in unsafe situations.
We are not 100% sure what Torode is alleged to have said, but BBC director general Tim Davie described it as a ‘serious racist term which does not get to be acceptable in any way shape or form’, which doesn’t leave much to the imagination.
Being on the receiving end of any form of racist language would be devastating – as I know all too well.
Completing a report is not enough for the BBC – they need to make changes to ensure this behaviour is no longer normalised.
Racist and sexual misconduct – they have no place in our lives, and knowing it is happening behind closed doors, then brushed under the carpet, is upsetting to say the least.
It’s a sad time when we have to say this, but having to train people, no matter how rich, famous, or powerful they are, on sexual and racist misconduct in the workplace is a must.
Because I still remember what happened to me, every time it has. And there have been countless times I’ve had racist comments burned into my memory and ignored by others.
We need to stop pretending this is OK, and we absolutely should not move past it.
We must confront these issues head-on and not allow them to be shrugged off or ignored.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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