Just like Tulisa, I’m demisexual – but I’ve been laughed at for it

I write this piece more as a champion of The Female Boss (Picture: ITV/Shutterstock/Rex Features)

All rise for The Female Boss.

On Tuesday night, Tulisa shared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here that she is demisexual.

‘I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone,’ the 36-year-old singer-songwriter and former N-Dubz star revealed. ‘I need real depth… I’m a slow, slow burner. For me, it’s all about the connection and the emotions that I feel with someone and then wanting to express them in that way.’

I’m sure swathes of the general public responded either confused or with an eye-roll at the term, which is exactly why its broadcasting is so important.

As someone who identifies with demisexuality, I can relate to Tulisa.

From a very early age I knew I wasn’t straight (demisexuals can be attracted to any gender).

Sadly, the main access to same-sex ‘relationships’ I was able to access as a teenager would centre around physical intimacy. Using apps, what I thought was the development of reciprocal feelings was often older men wanting something much more casual with a much younger me.

For a long time, this led to an internal battle of separating sex and emotion. I often thought I had to offer up one in order to receive the other, which led to a fair bit of mistake-making and scar-developing. For example, finding it difficult to forge friendships with other men, and agreeing to engage in encounters that I hadn’t really wanted to.

Time moved on (scarily quickly!) and as I entered my 30s, I had a clearer understanding of who I was and how my brain and emotions worked. While casual encounters don’t make me feel ‘physically sick’ like Tulisa recently said they do for her, internally I often get nothing from them. 

There was a word that in some senses summed up the way I had been feeling (Picture: Matt Horwood)

Sometimes, I don’t even enjoy them. But that long-standing entanglement of emotional validation and sex pushed me to think I should seek them out.

It was in my 30s that I first heard the word ‘demisexual’. My understanding of it is that it’s a very broad concept, but at its core is about a need to develop a bond or connection with someone before engaging in or enjoying the experience of more physical relationships.

For the first time, there was a word that in some senses summed up the way I had been feeling. 

Not long after this, I was out with friends and brought up demisexuality and the fact I could relate quite a lot to it as a concept. One of the people in the group made fun of this and laughed, denouncing it as ‘not even a thing’ in front of our other friends.

I felt a little embarrassed and haven’t really talked about it as much since.

Despite choosing to write this article, I don’t see identifying with demisexuality as a core part of an external-facing identity for me.

I’ve been lucky enough to see Tulisa perform live (Picture: Matt Horwood)

While it might be helpful to share with people I choose to date, it’s otherwise quite personal to me, in a much different way to how being gay impacts my day-to-day life. For example, where I choose to go on holiday, how I navigate awkward conversations at a barbers’, or how I respond when faced with homophobia when out and about.

In fact, I write this piece more as a champion of The Female Boss, Tulisa, than I do someone who identifies with demisexuality.

I was coming toward the end of high school when N-Dubz first burst onto the music scene and I actually remember watching them on Channel U (RIP). As the trio continued to release tracks, I put them on party playlists, requested their songs at the DJ booth when out and constantly shouted ‘na na nai’ while running around student halls.

Since then, I watched Tulisa face constant criticism and discrimination that was clearly rooted in misogynistic classism.

I’ve also been lucky enough to see Tulisa perform live – including when a previous job booked her for a non-profit fundraiser supporting LGBTQ+ young people facing homelessness. Of course, she female bossed it and everybody adored her.

To see someone with the profile of Tulisa address demisexuality on such a national platform is a huge deal (Picture: James Gourley/ITV/Shutterstock)

At the end of the day, to see someone with the profile of Tulisa address demisexuality on such a national platform is a huge deal.

An understanding and respect for how different people choose to navigate sex, love, dating and intimacy is a vital tool in helping create better, safer and more fulfilling relationships for everybody.

Of course, this extends beyond demisexuality, but its open discussion in front of millions is surely a positive thing for the representation of all relationships and their diversity. To me personally, it’s nice to hear someone else stand in feelings and truth that I can really relate to.

Even more so that it’s The Female Boss herself.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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