Happy December, bitches! I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holiday weekend. For me, that consisted of my mother and I engaging in an epic viewing marathon of Dateline, Dateline: Secrets Uncovered, and 48 Hours. (We’re both absolutely fine mentally, I swear.) As for Black Friday, I did not partake. I could spin this as nobly joining the “We Ain’t Buying It” boycott, but the truth is I actively never shop on Thanksgiving weekend. It’s not political so much as personal: I’m a contrarian who hates being told what to do! So even if that means missing out on good deals, I’m committed to making this point for an audience of… my dog.
Anyway, you may or may not have noticed that after the turkey pardoning the day before, the president waited until very late on Thursday to rage-tweet Thanksgiving wishes to the nation. This is how it went, just the first sentence: “A very Happy Thanksgiving salutation to all of our Great American Citizens and Patriots who have been so nice in allowing our Country to be divided, disrupted, carved up, murdered, beaten, mugged, and laughed at, along with certain other foolish countries throughout the World, for being ‘Politically Correct,’ and just plain STUPID, when it comes to Immigration.” The same post also included a gross slur at Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz:
Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) hit back pointedly at Donald Trump on Thursday, responding to the president’s latest online attack against him with a four-word challenge: “Release the MRI results.”
Trump used an offensive slur to describe the 2024 Democratic vice presidential nominee during a furious Truth Social rant about immigration.
In his tirade, Trump said Walz was “seriously r-tarded” and accused him of doing “nothing, either through fear, incompetence, or both” to stop what he falsely claimed was the invasion of Minnesota by “hundreds of thousands of refugees from Somalia.”
Trump’s ableist insult triggered immediate backlash online.
Walz’s response referenced the recent presidential medical mystery of Trump’s MRI scan in October that neither he nor the White House have fully explained.
Trump, who has bristled in recent days at increasing scrutiny over his health, energy and fitness for office, has offered only a vague explanation, saying: “I have no idea what they analyzed, but whatever they analyzed they analyzed it well. And they said that I had as good a result as they’ve ever seen.”
Oh, where to begin. There’s the unintended irony of Trump attacking immigrants on this particular holiday, Thanksgiving, that commemorates the pilgrims immigrating to America from England. (I’m not defending the holiday or the veracity of the peaceful story we’re told as kids, just referencing the traditional premise to illustrate Trump’s dumbassery.) Then there’s the “prose” itself, consistent for the author but no less jarring for us readers. Usually I’m already done in by the indiscriminate use of CAPITALIZATIONS and Quotes. But this entry had so many nonsensical beat changes, I’m seriously wondering if Trump ingested a byte of ChatGPT that is now permanently lodged in his head, like RFK Jr. with the dead brainworm. What I’m thankful for, though, is the elegant way Walz cut through Trump’s veritable screed with simply four words: “Release the MRI results.” Well, as Trump waddled back to DC from MAL, reporters followed up to ask him if he would indeed release the MRI results. Trump said he would. He was then asked where on his body he got the MRI, at which point things fell apart for Dementia Don. “What part of the body? It wasn’t the brain because I took a cognitive test and I aced it.” I can’t, I’m going back to my Datelines.
Photos from Walz’s visit to Dusseldorf last month credit: IMAGO/Malte Ossowski/SVEN SIMON/Avalon, Oliver Langel/Future Image/Cover Images. Other photo credit: Getty