What’s the latest in the skies over Big Bear? A new eagle has joined the Jackie (RIP) and Shadow drama, lighting up the internet. Some followers are cheering them on, while others are aghast. Let’s zoom in for a closer look.
Shadow: “Fly like an eagle, to the sea … fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me…” Boy, the Steve Miller Band gets me.
(Shadow soars, swoops)
Shadow: I love flying around up here. So relaxing. Takes my mind off my troubles, like my missing wife. Say, who’s the kid on the branch?
KD1: Hi, big fella!
Shadow: Hello, young lady. Room for two on this branch?
KD1, giggling: Certainly. Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?
Shadow, chuckling: You may have seen my livestream. There’s a camera on my nest over there.
KD1: Are you under surveillance?
Shadow: Ha! In a sense, yes. Paparazzi, what are you gonna do? I’m Shadow. Many, many people say I’m a celebrity.
KD1: You don’t say.
Shadow: Correct. Other people say it. I’m just an eagle, living his life, doing the best he can. Under the watchful eyes of millions worldwide.
KD1, looking around: Is this a reality show?
Shadow: A 24/7 webcam is trained on my nest. It’s like “Cribs.” I call it “Twigs.”
KD1: My, you must not have any privacy at all.
Shadow: I almost forget the camera is there. But if I need to conduct any personal business, I get out of camera range. The public doesn’t need to see everything.
KD1: Do you live alone?
Shadow: I do now. My wife… she… well, she left. (stares into the distance)
KD1: Was she Jackie? I heard about her. She got in a fight with two younger eagles, was injured, was taken to a recovery center, received excellent medical care, but she died. She was in poor health even prior to the fight.
Shadow, shocked: This is what happens when you’re in the public eye. You’re in a bubble. Nobody tells you anything.
(Shadow steps out of camera range for a full minute, then returns)
Shadow, voice shaky: All I knew was that Jackie left in mid-July and never came back. I assumed she’d met another eagle. How do you know all this?
KD1: I follow the news. I’m KD1, by the way. (extends wingtip)
Shadow: You’re k.d. lang? (touches wingtip)
KD1: No, silly, KD1. The Orange County Water District named me that. I have no idea why. My parents had their own name for me.
Shadow: What was that?
KD1: Jolene.
(In the distance, a banjo can be heard)
Shadow: “Jolene, Jolene, I’m begging of you please, don’t take my man”… Jackie used to love that song.
KD1: Did she now? (inches closer on branch)
Shadow: She was quite a woman. Would you like to hear how we met?
KD1: Not really.
Shadow: It was 2018. She was here with her mate, Mr. B. I took a liking to her immediately, asserted my dominance (chuckles) and Mr. B finally took the hint and left.
KD1: So manly. (inches closer)
Shadow: Jackie and I had nine children together. Let me show you some pictures. (uses claw to pull wallet out of feathers)
KD1, feigning interest: They’re darling.
(Two eaglets fly in)
Sandy and Luna: Dad, what’s going on? Who’s this tramp? Mom is barely in the ground, or rather barely at the National Eagle Repository, and you’ve already moved on? Sob! It’s too soon.
Shadow: I can explain, kids. It’s not what it looks like.
Sandy and Luna: Dad, this woman is a stalker. The news says she showed up while Mom was in the hospital.
KD1: That was a coincidence. And of course I’m a stalker. I’m an eagle. We’re apex predators.
Sandy and Luna: Dad, do you even know how Mom died? Severe blood clots, anemia, liver and lung problems… At the end she couldn’t even keep food down.
Shadow, crying quietly: Poor Jackie.
Sandy and Luna, screaming: You know what else she died of, Dad? A broken heart!!
Shadow: Kids!
Sandy and Luna: We’re going no-contact.
(They fly off)
KD1: That went well.
Shadow: They’ll get over it. Maybe.
KD1, batting her lashes: My girlfriends say there’s nothing sexier than a single father.
Shadow: Well, I, uh, have always done the best I know how. Er, you didn’t stalk me, did you?
KD1, avoiding eye contact: Of course not. But you might find some gossip about me on the internet. None of it is true.
Shadow, Googling her using hunt-and-peck method: Oh, I see you were romantically linked with an earlier celebrity eagle.
KD1: Lies, all lies.
Shadow: Sam Eagle, from “The Muppets.” Ah, Sam. A true patriot. (mists up)
KD1, bitterly: Sam’s gone full MAGA. Wants to kick all exotic birds out of America’s nests. No matter what you may read, we were just friends.
Shadow: I believe you. Well, my kids are right on one point. It is too soon.
KD1: It is?
Shadow, checking calendar: Breeding season doesn’t begin until fall or winter. Plenty of time for us to get to know each other.
KD1: I can accept that. Plus, you still need to grieve.
Shadow: Do what now? Oh, yes, grieve. Definitely. Definitely grieving.
KD1, looking at nest: This place has potential, but of course I’ll have to redecorate.
Shadow: I know a gentleman shouldn’t ask, but would you mind telling me your age?
KD1: 4 1/2. Jackie was 14, wasn’t she? She must have been quite a looker when she was much younger.
Shadow, musing: 4 1/2. And here I am, age 12. That’s middle age for an eagle. I guess I’ve still got it, eh?
KD1: It’s time for you to spread your wings.
Shadow: My webcam audience will like the change. Gotta give the people what they want. Do you have any on-camera experience, dear?
KD1: All birds have camera experience, Shadow.
Shadow: What cameras follow birds?
KD1: Flock cameras.
(In the distance, a rimshot can be heard)
David Allen feathers his nest Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Email dallen@scng.com, phone 909-483-9339, and follow davidallencolumnist on Facebook or Instagram, @davidallen909 on X or @davidallen909.bsky.social on Bluesky.