Dear Eric: I have a good friend whose memory seems to me to be slipping. She laughs it off, saying she has so much going on that she can’t remember things, but I think there is something else happening.
Should I say something and encourage her to see a doctor? I could talk to her husband to see if he is noticing anything. Maybe he should be the one to encourage her to talk to a doctor.
— Concerned Friend
Dear Friend: Try both options. Talk to her in a kind, nonjudgmental way about what you’re noticing and ask her if she’s noticed the same things, too. This can be a vulnerable thing to hear about oneself, so empathy is going to be your friend here. Also, reassure her that you’re not diagnosing her, but that there’s no harm in checking in with her doctor. Isn’t it better to be told, “it’s nothing” or “it’s normal” than to wonder? Even if she’s not experiencing a cognitive decline, talking to a professional about the many things she has going on might give rise to other solutions that will make her life easier.
Prevention is also a major component of healthy aging, so talking to a doctor, particularly a geriatrician, now could help her avoid issues in the future.
You can also mention to her husband that you’ve noticed this pattern and ask him what his observations have been. If he has noticed the same things, it could be helpful and motivating to have his feelings validated. If he hasn’t noticed anything, it could put your mind at ease while also prompting him to keep an eye out. The most important thing is that your friend has people in her life who have her best interests in mind and want to make sure she stays safe, healthy and independent.
Dear Eric: My wife and I will soon receive a small inheritance from the death of one of my relatives. Since we do not need most of this money, we have decided to distribute it among our children and grandchildren.
Here is the problem: my son’s wife had a daughter years before she married my son. We see this person about two or three times a year.
In your opinion, is she entitled to receive the same amount of money from this inheritance as my other grandchildren? Also, is she considered to be a step-grandchild?
— Gift Giver
Dear Giver: No one is entitled to the money, no matter their relationship with you and your wife. The money is yours to do with as you please and so you ought to consider where and with whom it can do the most good. Also consider how the dynamic within the family would change if you chose not to give your step-granddaughter any money.
If you’re just looking for the best way to distribute the funds and wondering if you have to include her equally, the answer is no, you don’t. But it seems needlessly complicated to calculate how much a step-relationship is worth in comparison to a blood relationship. Plus, it introduces a hurtful hierarchy.
This ties into the second question. Every family defines the terms and contours of their relationships. So, in some families, a connection of this type might just be considered another grandchild. It’s really up to you and to her.
If you desire to have a closer relationship with your son’s wife’s daughter, you should pursue that separately from the inheritance. As I like to say, money talks but it mumbles, so it’s better to say what we feel and what we’re trying to communicate directly.
Dear Eric: I saw a similarity between my parents and “Overwhelmed”, who wrote that hosting all the holidays and special occasions was getting to be too much. You gave the writer several good suggestions. I thought I’d add what my parents did about 10 years ago, when they were in their 70s. They said to my siblings and me, “We have enjoyed hosting for all these years, but it has become too much for us. Moving forward, please work out among yourselves who will host. We will be delighted to show up and bring whatever (dish, wine, et cetera) you ask.”
It’s not the same as it used to be, of course, but it’s OK for traditions to change. We love our parents, and they’ve earned the rest. We can step up and take turns hosting among the siblings.
— The Next Generation
Dear Generation: Shout it from the rooftops: it’s OK for traditions to change! I love this. And kudos to your parents for being willing to change and being willing to ask for what they need. It empowers everyone to show up better and more conscientiously and keeps the tradition from petering out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)