Dear Eric: Many companies are training their employees to “be friendlier.” Now, when I go to pay for my groceries or have bloodwork done at a lab, someone invariably asks me, “so what are you doing the rest of your day?” I find that to be very intrusive from someone I don’t know and may never see again. I understand they have been trained so it isn’t necessarily their fault, but I need a better response than “who wants to know?” or “why are you asking me this?”
— Trying to Keep Boundaries
Dear Boundaries: Something general and meaningless can help divert small talk such as this. “Oh, not sure” or “enjoying it, I hope” or “this and that.” These are empty calorie phrases that keep the ball in the air without forcing you to divulge anything you don’t want to divulge.
It’s also helpful to keep the context of these questions in mind. These people aren’t prying. As you said, they’re trained to make small talk so that customers feel comfortable. Depersonalizing the ask can help. When someone asks, “what are you doing for the rest of the day?” remind yourself that this is not actually a question designed for you. They’re talking to you, but they’re not actually talking to you, if that makes sense.
It’s also fine to assert your internal boundary in a friendly but direct way. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not much of a chatter. I hope you’re having a good day, though.”
Dear Eric: My closest friend of many years has recently revealed the sad news that she has terminal cancer. She is one of those rare humans that most people have an instant connection to, and then they become fast friends.
In addition to being close friends, we were colleagues who often worked closely together, traveled together and shared many common friends, work friends, vendors and clients. Several decades worth of projects and likely in the hundreds of people within that group.
There is a very small group (less than five people) of us who she has shared the news with. She has expressed her preference to not share details with our greater community until she can get her bearings with diagnosis and treatment, however, she will eventually want us to tell friends her story and status updates. Our small group is aligned on supporting her in any way and her wishes; she does not have a significant other or family to help her shoulder the burden.
What are the words to inevitably use when I share the information to our work community knowing they’re more than just colleagues? How do I grieve with others as they learn her prognosis and safeguard my own emotional state as I share her story? I don’t know how to navigate this all without breaking down anytime I think about it or talk about her situation.
— Grieving Best Friend
Dear Best Friend: I’m sorry for what your friend is going through, and what you’re facing as well. This is hard. And it’s fine if you have the capacity to hold your friend through it but not enough left over to help others process.
With regard to the words, you’re going to want to take your cue from your friend in terms of how much she wants shared. When she indicates she’s ready for the larger community to know, ask her about her boundaries, her wishes for communication and what places feel too exposed. Sometimes, something brief, compassionate, and direct can give people the information they need and guidance about how to respond. Here’s one potential:
“I want to share some very hard news about our colleague and friend. She’s received a diagnosis of [diagnosis]. [Here you might add a sentence about her prognosis or how she’s doing, depending on your friend’s wishes.] As you can imagine, this is an overwhelming time. Instead of calls or emails, our friend is asking that any communication about updates go through [either list a designated updater or a health update site like CaringBridge.org]”
Resist the urge to preemptively memorialize in this message; instead, you can share your grief, your fears and your memories with the small group and with others in your personal circle that you trust.
To protect yourself, I encourage you to look into one of the update sites, rather than directing people to reach out to one of you about what’s going on. It’s in our nature as people to slide from questions to processing. These sites provide a buffer that will give you the needed space to safeguard your emotions. Others may want to know more or to offer sympathies, but the most important thing right now is that the people closest to your friend, you included, have the capacity to fully show up for your friend.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)