Dear Eric: My parents immigrated after World War II, arriving with $20 and a lot of determination. They worked hard, built a home and a successful business, and raised five kids who all went to college and had many more opportunities than they did.
Both passed away a few years ago, and I miss them dearly.
One of my brothers has a longtime partner who knew them both and persists in making fun of their frugal habits and mocks their accented-but-fluent English at family gatherings. We only get together a couple times a year.
My brother and other siblings say nothing, and I have been turning away to avoid a confrontation with a person I rarely see. But it is not funny and very hurtful to me. I am finding it harder to keep silent.
Should I confront her the next time this happens, talk to my brother to ask him to intervene, or continue to bite my tongue?
– Enough Teasing
Dear Enough Teasing: Talk to your brother. His partner’s habit is – I’m going to just say it – weird.
The focus on their accents is offensive, the focus on their frugality lacks empathy, and the whole thing suggests a person who has a grievance that they need to work on internally, not at the dinner table. It’s time to move on.
Before the next gathering, tell your brother that this habit makes it hard for you to have the relationship you want with the partner and hard for you to enjoy yourself. Ask him to speak with his partner.
If he brushes you off or gets defensive, remind him that your parents aren’t there to defend themselves (not that they’d need to) and so to make them the butt of a joke seems cruel.
Perhaps the partner means nothing by it. Great. If it means nothing, it should be no trouble to drop it.
One of the points of a family gathering is to maintain and deepen relationships in the here and now. Rehashing the past with mocking, even if that mocking is meant lovingly, doesn’t really help with that. Especially if it’s landing with a thud on everyone else’s ears. Your boyfriend’s partner should join you in the present.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 60s and 70s. We have had some health challenges but we work hard at eating healthy, exercising, stretching, et cetera. We try to keep a positive attitude and do as much as we can with our aging bodies. We try not to discuss our aches and pains with our community.
Over the past year, the majority of our friends are spending more and more time discussing their aches, pains and medical problems. Our gatherings seem to be overshadowed by these types of discussions. Most of our friends don’t take care of themselves but run to doctors for lots of procedures to help ease their discomfort.
Could you offer some advice to help us to continue to enjoy these friendships but find a way to cope with these depressing discussions?
– The Cup is Half Full
Dear Half Full: Part of a solution is acceptance, and another part involves coaching your friends. I think they have to work hand-in-hand.
Let’s talk about acceptance first. As our bodies change, especially when they hurt, it can be disorienting and dispiriting. We talk about it as a form of processing, but also so that we know we’re not alone. If my knees hurt and I know that your knees hurt, too, I might feel less self-conscious. So, it will help you to accept that this is how your friends are dealing with reality right now.
From your letter, I suspect that you wish your friends had taken the same approach to fitness and attitude that you have. It will really help you to release them from that expectation.
Everyone has a different body and a different mind; we can’t always control what happens to either. So, when you hear a friend complaining, practice reminding yourself, “This is where they are in their life. I don’t have to love everything they say, but I like them for them.”
The other part of it calls for a conversation that doesn’t shy away from the facts. You can tell what you’re noticing and suggest everyone buy in on an alternative. “I’ve noticed that we fall into a pattern of talking about what’s going wrong. That’s sometimes hard for me to handle. Can we try to redirect sometimes?”
This might look like agreeing as a group on a warning word when the conversation gets to be too much for someone. Or you can take the lead on starting conversations with prompts about what’s going right, what memories they cherish or what they’re looking forward to.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.