Dear Eric: After 38 years of military and Department of Defense service, I retired and moved to my current home eight years ago (in a town I’d never lived in before).
I became friends with a woman two years ago and she introduced me to her larger circle of friends (about 19 women). Since then, I’ve become close with her and her best friend, and the three of us often do things together.
When the larger group gets together, they let everyone know about the event through a text chain, which they have declined to include me in. I do get invited to quarterly birthday parties (there’s a separate text chain for that), but generally I’m unaware of most of their activities.
My two friends often ask me to go with them when they notice I wasn’t invited. I feel like the larger group of women look at me as a friend of the other two women. They’re always friendly when I see them, and when I invite the larger group to an event hosted by my church or civic organization, many of them will come. But when my two friends ask me to tag along, I feel I’m party-crashing, going to something I wasn’t invited to.
They act like it’s no big deal and imply that the more they include me, the more likely it is that the larger group will eventually include me. This feels so awkward to me. Am I overreacting?
– Feeling Like a Middle-School Girl
Dear Feeling: You’re not. Trying to navigate the borders of an established group of friends can be really frustrating and confusing at any age.
Part of the issue is, although the invitations from your two friends are seemingly genuine and made without reservation, the group as a whole has its own personality. And what we want, at least in my experience, for that whole group to welcome you with open arms so that that internal middle-schooler has all her fears assuaged.
One way to combat this is to cultivate friendships with other members of the group. Are there others with whom you’ve made connections, even small ones, while at large group events? If so, consider reaching out to one or two for a tea or a lunch or something. You don’t have to be covert about your intentions. People like to hear, “I’d love to get to know you better” or “Can we be better friends?”
Within a large group of friends, there are many sub-relationships. Some people are going to connect more with others; some members of the group might feel the same awkwardness you do. If you were already part of the larger group, you’d already have some of these sub-relationships going. But there’s no time limit. You can start cultivating them now.
Dear Eric: When I saw the letter from “Doing It All Myself,” whose wife spends all her time online instead of helping with their yardwork and housework, I was afraid my husband had written it.
I don’t spend all my time online, but a stressful job and bouts of anxiety and depression often lead me to weekends buried in books, TV and puzzle games on my devices.
I saw part of myself in his wife — the part that wants to do the yardwork and keep the house nice but is overwhelmed by it. I can spend an hour organizing a cabinet or closet only to find that the other members of the household just mess it up.
She may be suffering from depression. If he can suggest that she talk to her doctor, it may be helpful.
– Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: This is a very helpful follow-up. The husband would be wise to talk to his wife about what else is going on. While an unequal division of labor can put a strain on a marriage, the problem may need a more comprehensive solution than a chore chart.
Dear Eric: I love to send holiday cards. On my list so many brides opted to not take their husband’s last name. It was no problem to address Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Doe.
Now kids have come along. Am I able to use Smith Family even if the wife/mom does not use that surname?
– Card Question
Dear Card: How about Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Doe & Family? While some recipients may not mind being lumped together under one name, if you don’t mind using the ink, it may be better to err on the side of caution.
Another option: If the kids have hyphenated last names, you can always address the cards to the Smith-Doe Family. Lastly, and possibly most simply, try The Smith and Doe Family. Covers all your bases.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.