Dear Eric: I started a new job a year ago. I took over as a supervisor at a municipal agency and from an individual who was retiring and who is a friend of mine.
The position that I took over for had a number of employees who were retired and had part-time jobs. They were very loyal to him, and he let them do what they wanted as long as it got done. There was no structure at the workplace.
I tried to implement small things while starting out and, each time, I would get the response that that’s not how we have done it before.
I didn’t want to make it like it was my way only, but things needed to change. If I complained to my supervisors, then they would think I was doing the complaining and that I could not get along with anyone. They wouldn’t listen to me at all.
It’s to the point where every time I walk in the door and ask to get something done, the employees do the exact opposite. It’s embarrassing to work there. I have no support on either end. I enjoy the job, but my staff does not respect me.
I am at a loss for what I should do. I don’t know who is in charge there because I don’t feel like I am.
Do you have any suggestions or ideas about what I can do?
— Disrespected Supervisor
Dear Supervisor: It can be very difficult to inherit someone else’s workplace culture. And, when you’re in a supervisory role, a lot of the negotiation becomes about what you need to adjust to and what you need to change. That’s a dance that goes on for a while. Respect from the employees you supervise is important here and I don’t want to dismiss that, but it’s also crucial to think about the expectations that are being placed on you, the expectations that you’re placing on yourself and the expectations you have for the workplace.
To that end, see if you can get clarity from your supervisors about what success looks like for you, how they measure it and what systems are in place to encourage growth. These systems may not exist — many workplaces are imperfect. But this information could help you to modify your expectations of yourself and, in turn, take some of the frustration out of the working relationships you have with the employees you supervise.
You also might want to talk to your friend. He created this imperfect system and, while you clearly don’t want to perpetuate it, he might be able to give insight or cheat codes. Ask him, “how do I deal with these people?”
Shifting a culture is more akin to turning a cruise ship than a speed boat. Smaller steps are going to be necessary and the first should be finding one thing about your job performance that you feel good about and pouring your energy into that.
Dear Eric: My best friend and I, both females and in our 60s, used to do everything together. Last year, she met a nice man and after a brief courtship, they married. I even performed the wedding ceremony.
Now, we barely see each other, and maybe text or call once a week, if that.
I knew and understood that our friendship was going to change once she married and I expected that, but I never thought it would be so drastic. Her husband gets upset if she wants “girl time” with me and even other friends. I feel really hurt and discarded. I’m not sure if I should talk to her about it or leave it be. I don’t want to cause a rift between us or make it awkward.
— Fractured Friendship
Dear Friendship: Talk to her. Her new husband’s behavior is concerning and controlling. Isolation is a form of emotional abuse, and it can escalate and put her in danger. He shouldn’t have a negative emotional response to her spending time with friends, particularly her best friend. She (and you) can find resources at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (TheHotline.org). But help can start with a conversation between you and her that’s rooted in your love for her and your desire to see her healthy and happy.
It may be helpful to enlist other friends, as well. You don’t want to gang up on her, but you can ask them if they’re seeing the same things you’re seeing. If she hears this perspective from multiple people, it may take root more effectively. As you go about this, try to put your hurt to the side for the moment. There will be time to address it, but first you’ll want to make sure she sees the issues in her relationship clearly.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)