DEAR ABBY: My ex, “Hank,” and I have two sons together. Both are smart, kind, college-educated, hardworking and independent young adults.
Hank is estranged from our younger son, “Andrew.” Andrew could never live up to his father’s expectations. This is one of the reasons I fell out of love with my husband. He would initiate a verbal confrontation with Andrew and say things like, “You are not my son.” Later, he’d clarify that he meant Andrew doesn’t ACT like his older brother does. Another example: “You didn’t call me last week, so I’m not going to help you out today.”
It has been painful to watch as a mom, and for a child to experience. The one blessing is that both boys love each other. I believe children should know they are loved by their parents. They should NOT have to continually prove they are worthy of their parent’s love. It crushes me that Andrew doesn’t have a father he can count on to be there for him unconditionally.
Andrew had emergency surgery this week, and Hank never bothered to check in to ask how he was doing. We have tried therapy. Is there anything else that would help with the estrangement between a father and a son? — MOM WHO MUST ALSO BE DAD
DEAR MOM: What a sad letter, and what a poor excuse for a husband and father. Your ex-husband engineered the estrangement, and nothing you or Andrew can do will fix it. You didn’t mention how Andrew’s lack of a healthy relationship with his father has affected him. Was the therapy that was tried family therapy? Marriage counseling for you and your ex? Individual therapy for your son? It’s possible that a licensed mental health professional might help Andrew come to terms with the years of emotional neglect he has suffered, but only if he agrees he needs it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old woman from Pakistan. I read your advice with great interest. Since childhood, it was always hard for me to make friends. People who I liked I pushed hard to be friends with, but I guess I came across as too clingy. I’m the one who initiates most contact with my old school friends.
Now I see the same thing happening with my 7-year-old son. When his cousins or my cousins’ kids come and he plays with them, he wants to maintain friendships with them through video calls, voice messages, etc. I can see that the other kids and their parents aren’t as interested in maintaining friendships, including my brother and his daughter.
My son is sensitive like I was. How do I explain to him that he shouldn’t expect everyone to be his friend without giving him the impression that “nobody cares”? — SAD MOM IN PAKISTAN
DEAR SAD MOM: Friendships have to evolve naturally. Often this happens through shared interests. What is your son interested in? Is he involved in sports or other activities outside of school? While it is true that no one can “expect” others to be close friends, relationships form as a result of exposure to a variety of activities and individuals. Your fear that your son will turn out to have the same social difficulties that you do may be groundless. He may need exposure to more kids than he has had in order to find his way socially.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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