DEAR ABBY: I’m in my early 30s; my husband is 46. We have been married three years. He has a 24-year-old daughter, “Kiki.” Kiki has always been spoiled and catered to; she learned how to lie and manipulate during her childhood.
I have tried to help her because I believed his family when they said she’s trying to get it together. Kiki has a DUI, and she got evicted when her parents asked her to pay her own rent, rather than having them pay. They give her cars, but she wrecks them and then leaves them on the side of the road.
We have a 3-week-old baby and a mortgage. I don’t think his daughter should still be in our budget, but my husband can’t say no to giving her money. Kiki is a habitual liar and user. She can’t pay for gas because she buys weed and alcohol instead, confident that everyone else will pay when her utilities get shut off.
I don’t think it’s fair for us to pay her way. Is 24 young enough to still need this much help? My husband is very defensive about it. — USED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR USED: Considering this troubled young woman’s history, your husband has made a big mistake by fostering her dependence on him. Independence is something she may have to learn in increments. Your husband should sit down with Kiki and explain that he loves her, but she must now find work to support herself, and that he will help — for a set period of time — as she adjusts to shouldering responsibility for herself.
If he is still paying her rent, there should be a firm cutoff point. No more cars, because she’s a danger on the road. She can use public transportation. And if there are any more problems because of her substance abuse, all bets will be off. The time to draw the line is now.
DEAR ABBY: I am in an online group with neighbors, but I have not been able to get out and meet some newer members in person. One person signs their posts in a language I don’t recognize, and I was wondering if there is a polite way to ask them how to pronounce their name and what language it is. There doesn’t seem to be a way to broach the subject without seeming negative.
Also, when I hear people in my local store speak another language, I am curious because I am semi-fluent in three languages and interested in learning more, but again, what is a polite way to ask? — WONDERING IN VIRGINIA
DEAR WONDERING: If you have the slightest concern about asking your neighbors how to pronounce their name and what language it is, then don’t do it online. Ask another neighbor or wait until you can meet the person face-to-face.
When you are out and about and hear a language you don’t recognize, smile at the people, say that you speak three languages, like the way theirs sounds and ask what it is because you might like to learn it. If the question is asked in a friendly way, most people will answer in the same vein. (I did this at a supermarket recently. The answer was they came from Indonesia and were speaking Malay.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)