DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old woman who, after 40 years, reconnected with my childhood best friend, “Neil.” We are now engaged. I have no children, but Neil has two girls ages 11 and 13. The 11-year-old is in therapy and on medication for depression and anxiety. I love them as if they were my own. Their mother is useless and irresponsible, and Neil can’t stand her.
My problem is that his behavior is not much better. Neil has severe anger issues. He has cursed at me and called me horrible names (in front of the girls) many times. Since we started couples therapy, he has improved, but he still displays anger issues, has a drinking problem and has no control over his children. They have no rules, discipline or any kind of parenting from him or their mother.
I am miserable and want to leave. We’ve been together almost five years, and I don’t want to hurt him again. He’d be destroyed. Worse, the girls would be devastated. I’m scared about how the younger one would react. I would also be devastated.
I am bipolar, and my mental and emotional health have been severely affected. My physical health is also deteriorating because of so much stress — stomach issues, weight loss, psoriasis. My personal therapist is not much help. What do I do? — OVER MY HEAD IN NEW YORK
DEAR OVER: My first thought is that you should change therapists if this one isn’t helpful. Then, after you regain some strength, stop worrying about Neil. You might find it helpful to attend some Al-Anon meetings. If you do, you will come to understand that his anger and alcohol issues aren’t something you can solve by staying with him.
Neil’s children are not and should not be your responsibility. If you haven’t been able to establish a healthy, stable environment for them (at least when they are staying with their dad), accept that it isn’t likely to happen. Explain to the children that it is not their fault that you are leaving, and then move on.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 26 years. I have often felt as if we were growing apart, often finding interests in different things. We seem unable to discuss our emotions without one of us getting hurt feelings and the talk devolving into awful arguments. There has never been any real question of extramarital affairs.
One night, I playfully asked if I could go through his computer. He immediately became defensive, saying he just doesn’t like people getting into his computer, messing with his stuff. I get that. I wouldn’t want just anybody getting into my computer, either. However, I am not just anybody; I’m his wife. He has full access to all of my computers, phones and digital accessories. Why do I feel like he’s got something to hide? I don’t know what to do. — PRESUMPTION OF GUILT
DEAR PRESUMPTION: Pressing your husband on this issue right now will only lead to more arguments. If you want to repair the marriage, you both need to learn to communicate more effectively. Without mentioning his computer, invite your husband to see a licensed family therapist with you. If he refuses, go without him. If he agrees, work on the basics now and save the privacy issues and your suspicions for future sessions.