To be a Chicagoan — yes, I know I’m not — is to have a certain nostalgia about candy.
Growing up here — OK, I grew up near Cleveland, thank you for noticing — meant to be aware of the enormous Brach’s factory on the West Side and the Spanish Revival Mars confectionery on Oak Park Avenue. Visits downtown were liable to give you a contact high from the cocoa aroma rolling off the Blommer’s chocolate factory.
Being a fat kid — try snatching that away from me, you touchy chauvinists — I had a visceral understanding of the entire Brach’s line. The gorgeous slightly soft, matte milk chocolate stars. The shiny dark blobs of bridge mix, with its scorned peanuts and ultra vanilla creams.
My mother played bridge — yes, in Berea, immediately west of Cleveland, geez, give it a rest, will ya? — and I would belly crawl, like soldiers on the “Combat!” TV show, into the living room, to snake my hand into a bowl and retrieve a fistful of mix, then scuttle back to my room to enjoy my prize. What a sight that must have been.
And we — meaning Chicagoans and whatever unwanted interlopers manage to jam themselves among them — shouldn’t complain. Despite the insane sugar tariffs sending Chicago candy companies fleeing to Mexico, we still have a bounty: Ferrara Pan, churning out their vastly cool Nerds Gummy Clusters. Butterfingers and Baby Ruths are made in Franklin Park, which is not Chicago either, last time I checked.
Some folks insist Tootsie Rolls are made in Chicago, though after a lifetime of being denied access to the factory, I hope you will forgive me for insisting Tootsie Rolls are actually made in the military dictatorship of Myanmar, excreted by emotionally-damaged French poodles trapped in inhumanely small crates and force fed a combination of high fructose corn system, industrial waste and the offal of rabbits who died testing cosmetics.
Is the above an unfair fiction? It’s not like Tootsie Roll is going to complain.
But I haven’t gotten to the point yet. The point is Sunkist Fruit Gems have been discontinued. The news has been pinballing across the internet all last week.
That stings. If you aren’t Jewish —- well, I should play the overwhelming odds here — since you aren’t Jewish, you might not know the deep cultural significance of Sunkist Fruit Gems. They’re kosher, brightly colored and individually wrapped, with a pivotal role in certain obscure Jewish rituals.
Such as the Aufruf. No idea, right? I’ve participated in one. Before a couple is married, the groom-to-be is called up at a Saturday service to read the blessing of the Torah. Then afterward, the groom — or in these more equitable times, the bride and groom — is pelted with candy. I have a vague memory of shielding myself with my tallis. My wife and I also pelted our kids with Sunkist Fruit Gems at their bar mitzvahs — I remember being tempted to put a little pepper, a certain sidearm snap, into my throw. And also, before my speech, I popped a Gem in my mouth, for the sugar boost.
There’s no sense to what survives and what doesn’t. History teaches us the good vanish while the subpar persist. Remember Drostes chocolate? You could buy a foil covered Drostes chocolate orange —delicious orange-flavored chocolate spheres that fall into segments when tapped briskly on a table. Try to find one now. Meanwhile, Milk Way bars — overly sweet lozenges of meh hardly worth the effort required to chew them — are everywhere.
Not the end of the world, I know. With Gaza the new Killing Christ (the pretext by which you can do whatever you want to whatever Jews you find and still feel you enjoy the moral high ground), the elimination of Sunkist Fruit Gems might seem trivial. But at least there is consolation. CandyFavorites.com sells Fruit Gems knock-offs, such as Pizazz Fruit Slices.
I don’t want to make too much of this. There’s good news, too: This is the part of the column where I planned to deliver the bad news about Jewish population decline due to assimilation. The hedge fund that bought Sunkist Fruit Gems can’t bother to market the confections because there aren’t enough Jews to buy them.
But the surprising good news, according to the Pew Research Foundation, is the religion is “keeping pace” with the general population. Plus, on Saturday, Sunkist announced on their Instagram feed that “Sunkist Fruit Gems are not going anywhere” and will be back on shelves “very soon.”
Interesting if true, as my people — that would be journalists — say. At least cause for hope. And really, with a little hope, and something sweet to look forward to, Jews can soldier through almost any crisis.