DEAR HARRIETTE: I don’t feel secure in my current relationship. I feel like the guy I have been seeing is going to ghost when it takes him a while to respond, even if things seem fine on the surface.
We have this odd dynamic where I am always excited about anything he suggests for a date, but whenever I try to initiate the plans, he has a weird or flimsy excuse for why he can’t go. I’m left feeling like I am chasing after him or begging him to spend time with me, and that is so embarrassing.
His behavior leads me to overthink every interaction I have with him and wonder if I am doing something wrong, even though I know that relationships should not feel this one-sided.
I’m annoyed that he only makes an effort when it is convenient for him, while I am putting in emotional energy that never seems to be matched. I have tried to bring up how this makes me feel bad, but he brushes it off or changes the subject, which makes me even more unsure about wanting to continue to see him.
My friends all tell me I deserve someone who treats me better, but I keep hoping he will become more consistent.
I am starting to question whether I keep ignoring red flags because I want this to work so badly. How do I figure out whether this relationship has real potential or if I should walk away for my own mental health?
— Dating Today
DEAR DATING TODAY: I have recently read a few studies about dating patterns today and people’s satisfaction levels with those they are dating. It seems that dating has become oddly impersonal.
In what is now known as “hookup culture,” many people are getting intimate before they know each other, which creates a false sense of intimacy where one partner characteristically gets hurt. When expectations aren’t clear, interest levels are unknown and a general desire not to be committed prevails, you can end up in the situation you are in — terribly lopsided.
Your friends are right: If he acts uninterested in what you suggest and bows out unless the date was his idea, he doesn’t deserve you.
A relationship should be reciprocal. Both of you should have input into how you spend your time. Don’t sit pining for someone who is unwilling to dance with you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very busy right now and on a tight deadline. I’ve noticed that some of my close friends who know what I’m up against seem to disregard my situation.
One just told me that she doesn’t understand why I haven’t talked to her recently — except she does understand because I have told her and reminded her. Another friend wanted to get together spontaneously. I thanked her but let her know I’m in a crunch and have to complete my work first.
I have told my friends how much I love them and miss them, but they are kind of mad that I can’t play with them right now.
I don’t want to lose my friends, but I have to focus. What can I say to them?
— Stretched
DEAR STRETCHED: Send each a note expressing your love for them and asking for their patience and good wishes while you get this work done. Then get back to work.
Whoever’s still around when you are free will be the right people.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.