DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiancee and I are going strong, but she’s just been accepted to a Ph.D. program in another state.
I always knew that she had applied to certain programs in different states, and I was OK with that. In the past few months, though, while awaiting her acceptance letters, my career skyrocketed. I was assigned two major accounts at work and nearly tripled their growth within a month. With that came a major promotion and trust with some of our top clients.
Considering my fiancee’s plans — plans that she’s been hatching for the past few years — I wonder if my sudden growth at work is as important. Should I leave my job now and move with my fiancee as planned, or should I propose going long-distance while she starts off her program?
I want to honor my career while still respecting hers and our previous agreement. I don’t want our separate paths to come between us.
— Split Decision
DEAR SPLIT DECISION: Ultimately, the two of you must come to an agreement, but if you think you can swing it, giving both of you space to build your careers seems viable.
Perhaps you should stay put and grow your career as she immerses herself in hers — at least for an agreed-upon period of time. Many couples manage long distance as long as they map it out and remain committed.
Talk it over and see where you land — together.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend I’ve been thinking about cutting ties with for a while now, but I feel conflicted about it.
I’ve noticed that the way he treats people, including me, is questionable. Whenever I need help or support, he seems to be conveniently busy or unavailable, yet he expects everyone else to drop what they’re doing to be there for him.
The way he speaks to people can be rude and dismissive, and he often communicates in a way that feels condescending. On top of that, he lies a lot, and it’s hard to tell when he’s being truthful.
It’s exhausting to be around someone like that, and I don’t feel like the friendship adds anything positive to my life anymore.
The problem is that he’s also close with my sister, and I don’t want to create unnecessary tension or awkwardness between us if I stop talking to him.
I’ve thought about confronting this friend, but I don’t think he would respond well, and I’m tired of feeling like I have to tiptoe around his moods. At the same time, I don’t want my sister to feel like she has to choose between us or that I’m being unfair.
How do I distance myself from this friendship without creating drama or making things weird for my sister?
— Bad Friend
DEAR BAD FRIEND: It sounds like this person might go away naturally if you don’t stay in touch. Why not simply stop engaging with him? You may not have to say anything at all. Don’t be available to him.
As far as your sister is concerned, wait until she brings him up, and then you can decide if you want to tell her that you have had enough of him. It’s fine for you to say that you don’t want to be around him anymore and why, as you also give her space to be as close to him as she wants.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.