DEAR HARRIETTE: The other night, my husband said something that’s been weighing on me. We were talking about my job, and he told me that maybe the reason I haven’t been moving up in my career is because I don’t have much drive anymore.
He said it casually, like he didn’t mean any harm, but it hurt. I’ve been doing my best, even if my progress hasn’t been as fast as I’d like, and hearing that from someone I love and thought supported me was discouraging. It made me start questioning myself and wondering if he thinks I’m a failure.
I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and I wish he had offered encouragement instead of criticism.
When I told my husband how his words made me feel, he brushed it off and said he was just trying to motivate me. Now I feel both hurt and frustrated, like he doesn’t see how much effort I put in or how much I care about my work.
I love him, but I don’t know how to make him understand that his words can do more harm than good. How should I approach this conversation so that he grasps how deeply his comment affected me without it turning into a fight or making things worse between us?
— Hurt
DEAR HURT: Rather than homing in on how your husband made you feel with his observations, focus on your career ascent and how to get where you want to go. If you can afford it, hire an executive coach to help you for a few months to evaluate where you are in your work and develop a strategy with you for getting to the next level.
Share your husband’s hurtful comments about drive and motivation with your coach. Perhaps through that person’s neutral lens, you can find value in the message, even if the delivery was biting.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Most of my family is of a different faith than myself and my children. For the most part, it isn’t a big deal, but one of my uncles is opinionated and outspoken.
He and I used to be close, but now whenever he comes to my home, he is critical of my faith and religious choices — even when it’s not relevant. I am respectful of his dietary differences, his time for prayer and so on, but when my family prays or references anything he is not in agreement with, he’s dismissive, combative or disruptive.
I wish he would be more respectful — no speaking during our prayers, no need to detest our beliefs, no need to preach his faith to my children.
I want to draw the line with my uncle because he is beginning to create doubt and confusion in my children. I want to be close with him, but I don’t want my children’s perception of faith and religion to be tainted by these us-versus-them experiences. There is room for all faiths, but I don’t know how to get my uncle to realize that.
— At a Crossroads
DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Say as much to him. Add that if he cannot bite his tongue and become respectful of the way you and your children express your faith, he is not welcome in your home.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.