DEAR HARRIETTE: At the end of the summer, I went back home to celebrate my mom’s birthday. Since I got married and moved, I don’t get to see my family as often, so I was looking forward to the quality time.
We all got together at my parents’ house — my siblings, their families, my wife and me — for dinner and some fun.
During the opening prayer, my mom decided to pray for God to warm my wife’s “cold heart.”
Honestly, I knew there was some tension, but that was too far! How could my mother insult my wife in a room full of people during a prayer? She turned what was supposed to be a nice reunion into an awful memory.
When she said it, I immediately stood up, turned to my wife and told her we were leaving.
My mom called me the next day, but she tried to justify what she said. She refused to apologize, so we haven’t spoken since that phone call. How can I rectify this?
— Cold Heart
DEAR COLD HEART: Talk to your wife to find out the source of their discord. Ask her to think hard about what may have happened to create such a negative feeling in your mother. If your wife had some role in offending or hurting your mother, suggest that she apologize directly so that the two of them can move forward. If your wife can’t see what the problem is, investigate further.
Request a conversation with your mother. Ask her to explain what her beef is with your wife. What happened that got her so upset, and what can be done about it? Suggest that no matter what it is, the three of you need to get together to discuss and heal.
You must be proactive if not pushy here, because your wife and mother are essential family members. You need them to get along. Say as much to them and ask them to try.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m supposed to be headed to a wedding this weekend, but I’m in a fight with my boyfriend.
He’s one of the groomsmen in the wedding, and a few weeks back, they took a bachelor’s trip to Las Vegas. When he got back from the trip, he admitted to me that he’d gotten a lap dance from a nude dancer.
I thought that was a violation of our boundaries. He says he told me only because he didn’t think it was a big deal, but for me it is a big deal. I couldn’t quite articulate why, but it upset me.
My boyfriend has been busy lately prepping for the wedding, but I think we should talk again before this weekend.
If I express my discomfort but he’s not willing to leave those kinds of experiences behind, is it worth breaking up with him?
— Lap Dance
DEAR LAP DANCE: Talk to your boyfriend about boundaries. Tell him how his behavior made you feel, as you thank him for being honest about it.
Ask him how he would feel if you did something like that. That may help him to understand your emotions better. Agree on what acceptable behavior is for each of you and what you expect of each other. Then trust that you both will live up to those values.
Do your best not to try to spy on him. That will not help matters.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.