DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend “Janice” is mad at me.
We had plans to go to a food festival, and she canceled at the last minute. I had already bought both tickets, and since she said she couldn’t make it, I didn’t want the tickets to go to waste. I asked another friend if she wanted to go, and she happily agreed.
About an hour before the event, Janice called to say that her plans had changed, and she could make it after all. When I told her that I had already invited someone else, she got really upset and accused me of replacing her too quickly.
Now she’s giving me the cold shoulder and says I should have waited to see if she could come after all.
I feel like I did nothing wrong, but Janice is hurt. How do I handle this situation without making things worse or damaging our friendship?
I really value her as a friend, but I also think it’s unfair for her to blame me for her own change of plans. I wasn’t trying to exclude her or be inconsiderate; I just didn’t want to waste the ticket or go alone.
— Cold Shoulder
DEAR COLD SHOULDER: Sit down with Janice and remind her that she contacted you and said she could not attend the festival. It was only after that that you reached out to someone else to take the ticket.
Janice has no reason to be upset with you. The change of plans happened directly because of her. She needs to accept responsibility for that. Do not feel any guilt over handling your business after she bailed on you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker talks way too much to me during work.
I need to focus and get my work done, but she keeps disrupting me with long conversations about her weekend, her family or random office gossip.
I’ve tried to give subtle hints that I’m busy, like putting my headphones on or keeping my responses short, but she’ll still tap me on the shoulder or wave to get my attention.
It’s getting to the point where I’m falling behind on projects because I keep getting pulled into her chatter.
I don’t want to be rude or create tension in the office, but I’m starting to dread going in because I know she’s going to talk my ear off. How can I set boundaries without making things awkward or hurting her feelings?
She’s a nice person, and I think she genuinely just wants to be friendly, but it’s becoming overwhelming. Sometimes she even follows me to the break room or keeps talking while I’m typing. I’m worried that if I don’t say something soon, my frustration will show and make the situation awkward.
I just want to find a polite way to let her know that I need more quiet time during the day.
— Shut Up
DEAR SHUT UP: During a break — preferably away from work — talk to your friend. Tell her you have to set some boundaries because you are not getting your work done on time.
Make it clear that you cannot talk to her all day long. Work must come first. Point out that when you have your headphones on or wave her away, it isn’t personal, but you need her to honor your commitment to your job.
Her feelings will likely be hurt, but you must make it clear before your job is in jeopardy.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.