DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over Thanksgiving, a relative brought a recovering alcoholic (several years sober) as a guest. He brought a bottle of grape juice as his beverage for the evening, in lieu of wine.
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As we were serving drinks, my spouse and I debated how to serve the juice: in a wine glass, or in a stemless drinking vessel? I felt the wine glass was more appropriate to help the guest fit in with those who were drinking wine, but my spouse worried that the alcohol-related stemware might be a trigger of sorts.
My research since then has turned up no counsel. Since I expect we’ll see this guest again around Christmastime, we could use some advice!
GENTLE READER: Your spouse has remarkably little faith in this guest if they think several years of sobriety will be undone by the wrong choice of glass for their grape juice.
Not drinking alcohol — for whatever reason — tends to trigger rudeness in people who do drink. They try to tease or bully the abstainer into drinking, or they ask a lot of nosy questions, as if alcohol were the staff of life. Perhaps some consider it as such.
If you want to spare a nondrinking guest the possibility of such embarrassment, Miss Manners suggests that you not draw attention to who is drinking what by issuing a special glass.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past four years, my wife and I have hosted a New Year’s Eve family party at our home.
Adults occupy the upstairs, and children (roughly ages 8-13) enjoy themselves in the basement, with frequent parental supervision.
The party now attracts nearly 100 adults and children. Everyone tells us they have a great time and they appreciate not having to sit at home.
Starting last year, though, many of the parents of our older daughter’s friends (she is 12) decided to drop their kids off and go out for the evening, rather than joining the party themselves, as they had done each year prior. So, we have ended up providing free babysitting for about 20 tweens, which can be quite a challenge.
We feel we’re being taken advantage of, but we don’t want our kids to miss out on the fun with their friends, and we truly enjoy the time we spent with their parents.
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How can we politely inform people that we expect they will stay at the party with their children, rather than using us to save $100 or more on babysitting fees for the evening?
GENTLE READER: Who has been doing the parental supervision of this basement full of children? You? Miss Manners will offer you some help, although — sorry! — she does not plan to be in your basement on New Year’s Eve.
Before the party, make and distribute a schedule for parents to take turns checking in on the children. Those who have left early in the past — or even dropped off their kids and fled — should be assigned slots near midnight.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.