DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over 20 years. Neither of us has remarried.
We see each other at family functions and are very cordial and polite with each other, as is his girlfriend, who also attends these events. He has been in a relationship with this female for many years, but they don’t live together.
When our sons had their first babies, my ex wanted the family to refer to his girlfriend as Nonna (“grandmother”). Our sons immediately shut that idea down, stating that their children already have a grandmother, and that they would refer to the girlfriend by her first name. This was out of respect for me, and also to avoid confusing the children.
But recently, when my daughter-in-law and I were having a conversation about my 9-year-old grandson, she mentioned something that he had said about his grandfather’s girlfriend, and referred to her as “Nonna.”
Immediately, I asked, “Is he referring to her as Nonna now?” He never had before, nor had anyone else in the family. She replied, “Yes.”
I immediately said that I was not comfortable with that, and that it really bothered me. The girlfriend can be the substitute Nonna after I die (which I’m not planning on doing anytime soon).
Am I wrong in feeling that my grandchildren already have a grandmother, and that the title should not be shared with their grandfather’s girlfriend?
GENTLE READER: How you feel about it is not Miss Manners’ department. Nor is basic biology, though she cannot help noticing that even if you were not divorced, your grandchildren would have had to grapple with the “confusion” of having two grandmothers, assuming their mothers’ mothers are still alive.
Etiquette can comment on some of the terms being used (or misused). Your ex-husband and his girlfriend are outside of normal usage in applying “grandmother” to a nonresident non-relative — just as you are outside of normal usage in applying “cordial” to a relationship with someone you refer to as “this female.”
Had your ex remarried, his then-wife could have claim to the title of grandmother. But even without that, you have no right to dictate what the grandchildren call anyone other than yourself.
[The same letter showed up in the Asking Eric column. Here’s what Eric said.]
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a typical middle child in that I’m always trying to help everyone in the family and keep them happy.
I take on most of my parents’ care because my sisters have families at home, and I’m single with grown children. I work 60 hours a week, I’m the safe venting place for my children, and my significant other wants time, too, obviously.
This is too busy on its own, but I also have a serious mental illness (bipolar). I manage it well and am very high-functioning. But how do I tell people they’re overwhelming me when each person’s need is relatively small on its own?
GENTLE READER: Handle the smaller requests by protecting your time, rather than rebuffing them individually. So, for example, you may not wish to answer nonemergency calls or texts after dinner.
Miss Manners realizes this refusal to reply instantly will strike some denizens of the modern world as sacrilegious, but never fear: They will eventually discover the method for themselves and write books about how they were the first to suggest it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.