DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is engaged to a lovely young woman, whom my son’s mother and I like a lot.
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The bride-to-be’s father, a very nice man, announced that he would be paying for the wedding “as is tradition” in order to help the couple, as they are still just starting their careers.
I told him that it was generous of him to offer, but that having the father of the bride foot the entire bill for the wedding was outdated, and asked him what expenses I could pick up. He told me tradition states I should host the rehearsal dinner, to which I agreed.
The problem is that I don’t think they can afford a wedding.
I know from my son, and from having met them, that the bride’s parents don’t have a lot of extra money. As plans have progressed, it is clear they are taking shortcuts to save expenses — things like asking family members (who are not caterers) to cater the wedding, and recruiting a friend (who is not a photographer) to handle the photos.
I don’t think they are being cheap; they are just on a budget.
My son has mentioned that he and his bride are a little disappointed at some of these choices, but that they don’t want to say anything since her father is paying. They do not want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
I have been blessed to have done very well professionally, and could pay for a nice wedding without it being a burden. I would like to approach the father of the bride and say something along the lines of, “Don’t ask guests to work the wedding; let me pick up some of these bills.”
I don’t want to insult him, though. It seems clear to me he is pridefully trying to host his daughter’s wedding without financial help.
Is there a way I can again offer to contribute without insulting him?
GENTLE READER: Nonsensical though it may sound, the solution is to accept the premise that the father of the bride is paying for the wedding — and then approach him only about specific items.
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So, for example, wait to hear that the father of the bride has asked your nephew to take photographs — when you know your nephew does not want to do so, and will gratefully bow out if asked. You can then ask, apologetically, if you can take care of (rather than pay for) the photography, and say how much you would appreciate being able to do so.
Everyone’s pride is intact, everyone feels good, no one has been called ignorant of modern practices, and Miss Manners cares not a whit that kindness and diplomacy have taken precedence over frank confrontation.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.