Dear Eric: My husband, “Tom,” and I got on well with his brother, “Dick,” until last year, when Dick became executor of their parents’ estate. Instead of liquidating it and splitting it with Tom, which is what he is required to do, he secretly paid himself more than $100,000 for the first year — more than double the authorized amount.
Plus, he hasn’t even tried to sell the estate.
He offered to buy Tom’s share of a rental property for $11,000 without telling him he received a purchase offer for $188,000. He committed perjury to claim benefits he wasn’t entitled to. And much more.
My kind, trusting, forgiving husband wanted to preserve their relationship, so he offered to sell his half of the estate to Dick at a significant discount. Dick insisted the house was worth 40 percent less than the value determined by two appraisals, the sale of an identical home and the county assessor.
Tom is shocked and angry, but mostly heartbroken. Dick has left him no choice but to remove him as executor and recover misappropriated funds. Dick is livid, and Tom feels guilty. He loves his brother and hopes to reconcile. I am seething with fury at Dick’s betrayal. How do I support my husband when I think he’s better off without that snake?
— Estate Scamming
Dear Estate: Tom’s guilty feelings are exactly what Dick wants. By leveraging an emotionally manipulative relationship that’s probably decades in the making, Dick shielded himself from Tom’s scrutiny, allowing him to blatantly steal from the estate to which they were both entitled. Tom is probably never going to feel completely settled about the course of action he’s taking now, but it is the right one and it’s good that he’s brought in legal support.
Continue to reaffirm Tom’s decision-making. Remind him that the law is on his side, and he’s been backed into a corner by his brother. If you can, offer to attend meetings with an estate lawyer with Tom. In emotionally charged situations like these, it’s good to have someone to help think through decisions, take notes or ask questions.
Focusing on the task at hand — settling the estate — also gives Tom time and space to come to terms with who Dick is and what he’s done.
If Tom still wants to reconcile, there’s not much point in arguing with him about it. The relationship between these brothers is always going to be complicated. Sometimes the best way to support a loved one is to listen to them and reflect back to them what you’re hearing.
Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 11 years and are parents to three kids. We spend a lot of time together, eat dinner every night as a family and try to have one fun event with the kids each weekend. Occasionally, an event with my friends comes up on a date that my wife already has plans with her friends. Whenever I tell my friends I can’t make it, the response is “Oh, you have to babysit” or “Oh, you have to watch the kids.”
I don’t know why the wording bothers me so much and I don’t know what better words to use. I snapped at the main culprit once that “I’m not babysitting, they’re my *bleeping* kids!” I also don’t know what else to say.
Saying that I’m watching my own kids sounds stupid to me. I love spending time with them; it’s a blast!
I think I’m too caught up on the words, but don’t know how to express how I feel to them when they say I’m babysitting. Any ideas?
— My Kids’ Dad
Dear Dad: It makes sense that the wording bothers you. They are your kids and the way your friends talk about you spending time with them indicates a profound difference in the way they think about parenting.
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You’re raising your children, not babysitting them. So, when your friends act like this is just an afterschool gig that keeps you from having fun with the guys, it chafes because it diminishes what you do and how you’re choosing to spend your time. (While also, not so subtly, suggesting that the kids are your wife’s job.)
They may never really get it, which makes me sad for their families. But try telling them “it bothers me when you say I’m babysitting my kids. That’s not how I see it. Spending time with them is really important to me, so sometimes I actively choose to be with them and not you.”
You can also change the way you give excuses for missed plans. Instead of telling them your wife has conflicting plans, you can tell them “we’ve got family plans; I’ll catch you next time.” Or simply, “I’m busy.” Because you are. Busy being a dad.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)