TikTok videos about Russian men’s chivalry hide domestic abuse problem

‘Бьёт – значит любит,’ translating to ‘If he beats you, he loves you’ – it is a proverb that women across Russia have been seeking solace in for years.

Originating from the 16th-century set of household rules, called Domostroy, it explains how domestic violence is masked by ‘traditional family values’ in the country to this day.

Under Vladimir Putin’s rule, abusers at home are thriving, only encouraged by his weaponisation of these values in recent years, Human Rights Watch told Metro.

But on TikTok, it is a different story. There, Russian men are presented as gentlemen and as providers.

Russian men painted as providers and gentlemen online

In videos filmed on the streets of Moscow, they are asked about paying for dates, buying flowers and gifts, and if they approve of their wives staying at home and not working.

One man responds to the last question: ‘That is just how it is traditionally accepted, so it is totally normal.’

Protester holds ‘Solidarity with the Russian Women – Stop Domestic Violence!’ signs as people gather in front of the Russian Consulate General in Krakow (Picture: Getty)

Another says: ‘In my view, it is totally fine as the man takes responsibility of paying for things like food and housing.

The interviewer then juxtaposes their answers to Westerners who insist on splitting dinner 50/50. And the comments reflect what some women think of this comparison.

‘On my way to Russia now,’ one user wrote. Another said: ‘We are doing it all wrong here in America.’

What these videos do not address is that Russia has a problem – domestic abuse.

Decriminalisation of domestic abuse in Russia

In fact, every 10 minutes, a violent crime is committed in a Russian family, according to domestic violence organisation Nasiliu.net.

There are currently no complete statistics to prove what some have called an ‘epidemic’ in the past – and that is part of the problem.

Russia’s ministry of internal affairs publishes data on the number of violent crimes committed against a spouse, son or daughter, but it does so with a delay – the latest release is dated 2021. 

At the same time, the statistics provided by the federation do not include crimes committed against former spouses, sexual partners, grandchildren, etc – in general, any people who may de facto be family.

In the last five years, there have been multiple protests in support of Russian women across Europe (Picture: Getty)

And the decriminalisation of battery in 2017 distorted the overall picture, creating the impression of a sharp decline in violence against family.

Putin’s ‘protection of traditional family values’

Victoria Odissonova, from Nasiliu.net, told Metro that the safeguarding of women and children – the most vulnerable demographic groups – is entirely hampered by the lack of a special law on domestic violence in Russia, as well as insufficient work by the police and social services.

She said: ‘Victims most often do not report violence and may not even tell their loved ones about it. There are several reasons for this: some people can still believe in the Russian proverb “Beats means loves”.

‘They often recall experiences in their families or talk to friends: similar things happen in their families. Usually, the victim cannot get away from the aggressor because she depends on him.

‘They may have children together and property, and she may be financially dependent on him. Victims may also not have support from loved ones; even parents may not understand their daughter’s desire to break off the relationship and do not notice what is happening.

‘There is quite a strong stigma and belief that if a man hits a woman, then she is “to blame”, or “she drove him”.’

Lodging a complaint with police does not help either. There is no official procedure to report abuse to authorities.

The burden is also entirely on the victim to prove a crime, as opposed to the prosecution.

Putin was asked about traditional family values during his annual end-of-year press conference in Moscow on December 19, 2024 (Picture: AFP)

Women who contact Nasiliu.net say officers persuaded them to withdraw their cases.

One victim, who was married to her abusive partner for 23 years, said she was blackmailed by police, who threatened her that the case could ruin her son’s future.

Odissonova said: ‘Once the woman went to the emergency room to record the beatings, she was then called by the police.

‘Officers told her “Do you understand that you will ruin your son’s reputation if they find out about this at school?” She felt so humiliated that she just withdrew the application.’

As part of the ‘protection of values,’ a new initiative demands the presence of a ‘psychologist-moderator’ in cases of divorce, Odissonova explained.

She added: ‘It seems that the idea is sound: adults who can discuss their problems can often turn to a family psychologist to try to solve existing problems.

‘However, when a woman is beaten by her husband, and she needs to leave him as soon as possible, the presence of another link in the divorce simply delays the process.

‘The victim is forced to stay near to the aggressor for even longer and most often, she cannot go anywhere.’

Russia also does not have state-operated shelters to house women fleeing their homes. Only housing run by non-profits is available.

Restraining orders in cases of stalking are also not part of the legal system making it even more difficult to flee the aggressor.

Rise in domestic abuse during Russia’s war in Ukraine

Tanya Lokshina, associate director for Human Rights Watch’s Europe and Central Asia division, told Metro there has been a spike in cases since the start of the war.

Moscow-born Lokshina, whose family emigrated to New York when she was still a child, said that violence against women and domestic abuse have been problems in Russia for many years, but they have become particularly prevalent during the war.

Some of the most severe cases of murders have been carried out by men returning from the frontline.

Some of the killers have also identified as former Wagner mercenaries and ex-prisoners freed by the regime to boost the army.

Even Russia’s human rights commissioner Tatyana Moskalkova has had to admit that domestic violence has worsened in the last three years.

Get in touch with our news team by emailing us at webnews@metro.co.uk.

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