DEAR HARRIETTE: A new friend I met at a workout class suggested we grab lunch together and mentioned it would be her treat.
I thought that was really kind, and I was excited to get to know her better outside of class.
When the bill came, it sat on the table for a while; neither of us touched it. Eventually, I picked it up and asked if she wanted to split it, and she said yes immediately. I was caught off guard because she had clearly said beforehand that she wanted to treat me, so I hadn’t expected to pay.
It’s not about the money — I don’t mind paying for myself — but it left me feeling a little awkward and unsure if I had misunderstood her. Was she just being polite when she offered, or did she forget what she had said?
I don’t want to make things weird by bringing it up, but it’s been bothering me because it felt misleading. Should I just let it go, or is it worth clarifying to avoid confusion in the future?
I really enjoyed our conversation and would like to stay friends, but I don’t want small misunderstandings like this to create tension. I’m not sure if I should take this as a red flag about her character or just an innocent miscommunication.
— Unclear
DEAR UNCLEAR: Next time you speak to her, ask her directly what happened. It’s good to clear the air.
Tell her that you remember her offering to treat you to lunch and that it felt awkward when she didn’t do that. Emphasize that you are fine with paying your way, but she had set a different expectation.
See what she has to say. You want to build friendships with people who are honest.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been a therapist for over 20 years, and while I’ve found deep meaning in helping others heal, lately the work has become emotionally exhausting.
I listen to people’s pain all day, and I can feel it sinking into me. Sometimes I come home completely depleted, with nothing left to give to my own family or myself.
I’ve tried taking breaks, going to supervision, even attending therapy myself but the burnout doesn’t seem to lift. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve simply given all I can in this field.
Everyone around me tells me I can’t stop. My clients say I’ve changed their lives. My colleagues tell me I’m one of the most empathetic, insightful therapists they know. Even my friends remind me that I have a “gift” for this work and that walking away would be a loss to the people who depend on me.
I feel torn between my duty to my clients and my own mental health, and I don’t know how to balance the two.
Is it selfish to put myself first after years of caring for others? How do I know when it’s truly time to step away, and how do I do it without feeling like I’m letting everyone down?
— Turning Point
DEAR TURNING POINT: Maybe it’s just time to take a break. If you can afford it, take a couple of months off and rejuvenate. If needed, see if you can get disability insurance to pay for the time you don’t work.
You may come back feeling energized and ready to get back to work. If not, think about what else you might be able to do workwise if the break needs to be extended.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.