Dear Eric: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 19 years. We have lived together for more than 16 years, but every anniversary comes and goes without a proposal.
I’m wondering if I should ask him next February, even though I feel he should ask me. I’ve been waiting long enough. I appreciate your advice.
— No Ring
Dear Ring: You don’t have to wait until February to ask a question. And it doesn’t have to be The Question, if you’d rather that he proposes to you. But it’s going to help you both to have a conversation about where you stand on the idea of marriage. Does he want to get married? Does he consider this long relationship to be equivalent to marriage? Does he know how important getting married is to you? These are all important things to talk about. And they’ll make your bond stronger, married or not.
Start by telling him what the conversation is about: “I’d like to talk about our relationship.” And then use “I” statements to introduce your wants: “I have been thinking about getting married. It’s something that’s important to me. Is this something that you think about?”
You can make the words your own. What’s key here is that you’re able to express yourself and your needs and find out what he’s thinking.
Dear Eric: My younger brother, who is 70, has always been known to embellish stories and has a bigger-than-life heart. More recently his stories are pure fantasy tales. His house has become borderline hoarder for several years. His stories contradict what he tells me — “I’m clearing out clutter “ only to hear he’s going to hire some company to clean the clutter.
He has a difficult time staying focused on the task at hand.
He’s had a “business plan” for his “business” that, while feasible, hasn’t brought him any income for 10 years.
As the older brother, any comments I’ve made are faced with extreme defensive statements, so I refrain and continue to listen to story after story with no focus — buying/not buying new car, seeking house/not selling house to move to West Coast, next vacation trip, how much he wants to visit us, et cetera, et cetera.
When do I wave the white flag?
— White Flag for White Lies
Dear White Flag: Is your brother looking for advice or looking for an audience? As the older brother, you may have fallen into a pattern of giving his plans critique and approval. That may not be what he’s seeking right now, hence the defensiveness. And hence your fatigue. If you’ve spent decades telling him the right way to do things and he has spent decades doing things his own way, it’s no wonder you feel you’re at an impasse.
One way to wave the white flag while still maintaining your relationship is by practicing distance from his stories. When he’s telling you something, try to remember that this is his journey and it doesn’t affect you. You might even want to visualize yourself letting it fall from your hands. And what do you say in response? “Oh, OK.” Simple, noncommittal.
You also don’t have to subject yourself to every flight of fancy. You may not be the right audience for him and you’re not under an obligation to be. Letting go can also look like you saying, “I’m glad you’ve got a plan but I’m not in a place to chat about it right now. Can we talk about something else?”
Dear Eric: We love our daughter-in-law (Beverly) and so does our son. Unfortunately, her parents have some serious health problems. When she and our son come for dinner, my very caring and well-meaning wife often asks how the parents are doing. I cringe inwardly because I know the news will not be good and it seems to make our DIL sad. (“Well, my dad just got a new feeding tube.”) I care about these people just as much as my wife does, but I feel it would be more sensitive to wait for Beverly to open that conversation. What do you think?
— Really Trying
Dear Trying: The only way to know for sure is to ask Beverly. This can start with the question, “how are you doing?” Sometimes, people in care-giving positions really appreciate an outlet, or a chance to check in with themselves. And, at other times, caregivers just want to have small talk, or a conversation about anything else.
Part of this is between your wife and Beverly. If I were you, I’d resist the urge to tell your wife what to say or not say. But in terms of what you bring to the conversation, you can let your empathy lead to curiosity and be ready to hold whatever Beverly wants to offer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)