DEAR ABBY: My mother is 80 and living alone after my dad passed. Her memory is failing.
She recently fell and required shoulder surgery. This wasn’t her first fall; she has also broken her hip within the past four years. I installed a camera in her den so I could periodically check in to see if she was OK.
I didn’t tell Mom about the camera because I knew she wouldn’t agree. My intent was only to be able to check in on her. I try to visit her at least four times a week.
Recently, when I viewed the video, I overheard a conversation between her and my brother. During the conversation, she made a lot of negative comments about me, related to my being authorized on her checking account. Abby, my income is in the six figures, and Mom lives on $1,400 a month. It was extremely upsetting because I have tried hard to make sure she has what she needs.
I can’t begin to tell you how much hearing the negative comments she made hurt. My mother has never been a loving person; however, I continue to make great efforts to do the right thing when it comes to her.
What is your advice?
— DUTIFUL DAUGHTER IN ALABAMA
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your idea of installing the security camera was a good one, considering the fact that she has become accident-prone.
Have a talk with your mother. Tell her, without revealing that you have the camera, that you love her but think it is time for your brother to assume the responsibility of taking care of her financial affairs. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to that suggestion. If she is fine with it, you will know it is time to step back.
DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother of three and was particularly close with one of the girls. When she was younger, she’d come to visit for months at a time. (We live in different states.)
She seemed to change when she was in college. Because I wasn’t hearing from her, I asked her mom how she was doing.
When she heard about my inquiry, my granddaughter got very nasty. She said that I should ask her if I want to know anything about her and to keep her mother out of it. When I explained that I only asked her mom because I don’t hear from her, she blocked me from her social media and no longer returns my messages or phone calls.
I miss her and the relationship we had very much. Should I let it go or keep trying?
— HEARTBROKEN IN THE SOUTH
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your granddaughter may not have wanted her mother nagging her about not having enough contact with you, or she wasn’t comfortable having her mother act as go-between. She also may feel entitled to a private life.
Ordinarily, I would suggest that you write or call her and apologize. However, since she has blocked those means of communication, try putting your thoughts into a letter (with a stamp on it) if you have her street address.
If that fails, you may have to wait to communicate with your granddaughter until she grows up enough to recognize that she overreacted.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.