DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to some common shaming I get from people I know?
For background, I am a female member of the LGBTQIA+ community, and have many dear friends who are members of other marginalized communities. My rights and the rights of the people I love are important to me.
Some people I know openly support politicians who want to strip rights away from me and from others I care deeply about. I do not ask people about their political, social, religious or moral beliefs, so I only learn this when they advertise them. They do this through social media posts, clothing items, lawn signs and offhand comments in conversation.
When I learn that an acquaintance supports stripping my rights away, I distance myself from them. Because of this, I’ve received some comments like, “It’s such a shame that you can’t even be friends with me because we disagree on politics,” or, “I don’t know how you can call yourself inclusive if you won’t even socialize with people who think differently than you.”
Miss Manners, I don’t see wanting women or members of the LGBTQIA+ community to have fewer rights as a “difference in politics.” It’s not a matter of supporting different tax plans. Nor is it just “thinking differently,” as if we preferred different ice cream flavors.
To me, it’s strange that people who think I deserve fewer rights also want to be my friend — and complain when I distance myself.
Is there a polite reply I can give when I get yet another scolding comment about how I can’t put these “differences” aside? I unfortunately run into this frequently.
GENTLE READER: Your observation that there is no sense in offering friendship to someone who would strip you of basic rights is, of course, logical.
From a manners perspective, however, it matters little whether the people who are doing this are incapable of understanding that — or whether you have failed to recognize that you are being made light of, if not actively taunted.
Either way, we are where too many societies have been before: divided on fundamental questions and perpetually angry.
The question is how to be these people’s opponent without coming to blows. To that, the general answer is little different than how one deals with an irate customer at work: Be civil, be reserved and put as much distance — mental and physical — between you and them as possible after the workday, or event, is complete.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How many “verys” is too many? My wife has a habit of using “very” to such excess that it becomes annoying. For example, “She has a very, very, very loud voice” or “His shoes are very, very, very, very ugly.”Am I being very critical?
GENTLE READER: Very. While Miss Manners personally agrees that even one “very” is a burden, you will have to negotiate an acceptable number directly with your wife.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.