The good news: Minutes before the NBA trade deadline arrives Thursday afternoon, the long-stagnant Bulls will have a franchise-altering deal on the table.
Alas, the bad: That’ll be precisely when Arturas Karnisovas catches wind that it’s someone at work’s special day. As 2 p.m. hits, sealing yet another window of opportunity shut, the team’s executive vice president will be in the Advocate Center breakroom singing “Happy Birthday” and angling for a corner piece of cake.
And speaking of decadence, remember the controversy and outrage after the opening ceremony at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris? Well, just wait until Friday’s opening ceremony at the Winter Games. Word is it’s so lewd and indecent, Pam Bondi has already been dispatched to Milan to begin redacting it.
But seriously, who’s going to win Super Bowl 60 next Sunday in Santa Clara, California? The Seahawks in a pretty good one. As a consolation prize, first-year Patriots coach Mike Vrabel will be unanimously inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
What’s with all the predictions? Sorry, couldn’t help it. On a weekend without football, the mind just started wandering and wouldn’t stop.
On Feb. 15, Camelback Ranch will be abuzz as the White Sox hold their first full-squad workout of spring. Unfortunately, it’ll be only a matter of time before prized newcomer Munetaka Murakami is shut down with acute intestinal distress, having snarfed 74 straight meals at the Glendale, Arizona, Portillo’s.
On March 15, the Big Ten men’s basketball tournament will end here in Chicago. Accepting the award for Greatest Coach Ever to Set Foot in the United Center: champion Nebraska’s Fred Hoiberg.
Think it took former Cub David Ross a long time to run from the visitors’ dugout to the mound after Game 7 of the World Series in Cleveland? Just wait until March 17, when Team USA’s big lug of a bullpen coach has to come all the way in from beyond the right field wall to celebrate a World Baseball Classic title in Miami.
On April 6, the Big Ten will end a 26-year championship drought in men’s basketball as Michigan survives the Final Four in Indianapolis. One by one, overjoyed Wolverines will climb the ladder, cut down pieces of net and enter the transfer portal.
On April 14, the NBA play-in tournament begins and, OK, fine, we’ll wake you when the real playoffs get cooking. Four days after that, the Stanley Cup playoffs start, or as the Blackhawks call them, “Did Not Qualify.” Several eons later, the Thunder and the Avalanche will be the last ones celebrating.
With the 25th pick of the NFL draft on April 23 in Pittsburgh, the Bears will select Somebody from Somewhere, prompting no fewer than 94% of the experts in your Facebook friends list to declare it a “home run.”
On May 9, the Sky will open their season in Portland against the expansion Fire, leading at least one extremely clever, not-at-all-overcompensating man to comment under dozens of social-media posts that “Nobody cares.”
In mid-May at Rate Field, and again in mid-August at Wrigley Field, the Cubs and Sox will wage epic crosstown-series battles. Intrepid reporters will ask, “Isn’t this rivalry just plain different from all others?” Combatants on both sides will fan the flames with incendiary quotes such as, “Uh, not really” and, “I mean, sure, I guess?”
On Fourth of July weekend, the Chicago Street Race will return for … wait, hang on, we’re hearing something on our scanner … whoa, NASCAR is going to Joliet instead this year? Such a shame.
On July 13 in Philadelphia, one night before baseball’s Midsummer Classic, Cubs All-Star Pete Crow-Armstrong will win the Home Run Derby. Pitching to him will be — who else? — noted hurler Caleb Williams, his joined-at-the-hip BFF.
On July 19 at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, Spain will defeat England 2-1 to win the men’s World Cup, coincidentally breaking every offensive record held by the 2025 Jets in the process.
Back at the United Center on July 25, disgruntled players in town for the WNBA All-Star Game will claim the league is making the weekend all about Caitlin Clark, which the league will vehemently deny before going back to making the weekend all about Caitlin Clark.
Baseball’s trade deadline comes on Aug. 3. See you around, PCA! Relax, just playing.
On Sept. 5, Northwestern will open its season against South Dakota State at … at … where? Not at the new Ryan Field? The school is already dropping hints on its athletics website that the $800-plus-million joint might not be game-ready quite yet.
The NFL’s Monday-night opener on Sept. 13 will feature the Bears against the rival Packers at Soldier Field. Yada yada, Williams throws deep to DJ Moore and everyone goes home delirious.
Halloween! Game 7 of the World Series will make this night extra special. Maybe they’ll show the Dodgers-Blue Jays rematch on the big screen at Gallagher Way?
That seems like a fine place to stop, though some of you might be thinking this whole column would have been better avoided. Prediction: When the Pope writes a guest column for the Sun-Times at Christmastime, you’ll forgive me.