Beware the Glastonbury Hipster – they’ll ruin the festival for you

Every year, people share their dos and don’ts for Glastonbury. The top tips and the pitfalls. 

But take it from me, this summer, there is one person you must avoid at all costs, and that is the Glastonbury Hipster.

The know-it-all, bucket hat-wearing, Kate Moss-channelling, cool-conscious bros and gals who are too cool to put on something lime green and have a boogie to Charli XCX, but will stay up until 8am with their jaw swinging on the floor so they can enjoy 100bpm dance music to ‘get with the vibe of the festival’. 

I saw plenty of them last year, and I’ve heard their chatterings on social media this year, telling people they won’t have lived if they don’t get into late night club NYC Downlow, the ‘hottest venue in the field’.

Or saying that they will absolutely not be going near any Pyramid Stage headliners. 

They are the Dalston cohort of Worthy Farm, which opened its gates on Wednesday. And while they consider themselves the festival elite, my experience of these wannabees is that they are the ones who are missing out. 

Often solo, the Glastonbury Hipster requires freedom from the shackles of friendship group obligations for their weekend of profound life experience. Their single goal is to nab a spot at the most elitist party in town, which goes against Glastonbury’s ethos of togetherness. 

They will queue for hours for a spot at exclusive queer night NYC Downlow (despite in many cases being as straight as a pencil), Soho House’s VIP pop-up The Hideaway or wristband-only crew bar Maceos, all just to say they’ve been. 

And like an influencer in the wild, it doesn’t matter how stupid they look attempting to sneak into these glitzy corners. They loiter around wristband-only venues hoping to get in with the security guard or wave wildly at a VIP acquaintance (their friend’s cousin’s friend’s ex-housemate, perhaps), wailing: ‘REMEMBER ME?’. 

I couldn’t think of anything worse – especially when there is so much else going on. 

The real Glastonbury happens in public spaces with normal, sound people.

If I’d been trying to sniff out the ‘superior’ secret Glastonbury spots instead of appreciating what’s right there in front of me last year, I would have missed my best moments: The thrusting, metal-clad street performers that made me belly laugh like I hadn’t in weeks, or watching LCD Soundsystem’s goosebump-worthy All My Friends on the Pyramid Stage at sunset. 

I wouldn’t have enjoyed the experience, to be honest. Fear of missing out is bad enough as it is at Glastonbury with 2,000+ acts over a few short days, without adding the anxiety that you’re not at the centre of the coolest, under-the-radar gig. 

Of course, Glastonbury Hipsters are within their rights to be themselves.

Queue for the secret underground bar if you find it and want to see what all the fuss is about. But know that I am judging. Because the four walls of a venue doesn’t make a place; the people do. And if you go somewhere where everyone is chasing something, no one is truly there. 

The moment thousands of people descend on the Pyramid Stage and sing along to Neil Young’s Heart of Gold, however? Or when the Other Stage bounces in unison to the drop of Charli XCX’s Von Dutch? Or when an emotional CMAT takes to the big stage for the first time in her career? There’s magic in those connections, and it’s all right in front of you for the taking. 

No doubt that while Olivia Rodrigo is on the Pyramid Stage this weekend, the Glastonbury Hipster will be doing something much cooler: Rolling around eating worms near the Stone Circle, talking about big topics like whether women should shave their pits, or partying with some old bloke – who is apparently kind of a big deal around here, or so he tells you – in The Secret Piano Bar. 

Think of this when you get a wide-eyed look for showing off your Rod Stewart mullet and shaking your groin like your aunt Sheila on a hen do to Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? Glastonbury is a place to feel free, no matter how uncool that makes you. 

Please don’t listen to Glastonbury Hipsters. Please don’t be one yourself. When they recommend a secret set on a stage over your favourite 2000s band, or a 4am rave over a burger and stumbling home, don’t fall into a trap of feeling like you’re missing out.

As for me, I’m not Brat enough for Charli XCX, so you will find me crying to Harvest Moon, swooning over Raye and generally going with the flow, wherever that takes me. 

While these Glastonbury purists like to think they’re as cool as a cucumber, they’re about as flexible as one, too. With that attitude, you’ll be the most stressed person on Worthy Farm – just after Emily Eavis. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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