Though I don’t regularly listen to the Smartless podcast (I usually tune in depending on the guest), I do love to laugh and enjoy a good look behind-the-scenes. So it was in that spirit that I began watching Smartless: On The Road, the 2023 HBO six-episode documentary that followed hosts Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Just Jack Sean Hayes as they took their show, erm, on the road. I was prepared to be entertained; I was NOT prepared to be gobsmacked by the case study of germaphobia extremis that is Jason Bateman. That dude is obsessed! It definitely added to the fun to watch Will and Sean discover the extent of Jason’s peculiarities as they shared hotel suites across the country.
So that’s my lead-in to Jason’s recent appearance on Subway Takes with Kareem Rahma (he was promoting his Netflix series Black Rabbit). The premise of Subway Takes is simple: host and guest have a side-by-side discussion as passengers on an NYC subway train, and the guest kicks things off by sharing a hot, possibly controversial take on an issue of their choosing. Jason decided to proclaim that dogs should have to wear shoes outdoors like the rest of us. (Minus our Aussies, carry on your barefoot ways!) Jason was vivid in his reasonings for his shoe-footed stance:
Jason Bateman got candid about his thoughts on dog fashion and hygiene during a recent episode of the viral series Subway Takes.
The interview, which takes place on a moving New York City subway, was shared on social media on Wednesday, Oct. 15. At the top of each episode, host Kareem Rahma prompts guests to offer their hottest take, and the Ozark star, 56, did not hold back.
“Dogs should have to wear shoes,” Bateman stated, to which Rahma absolutely agreed. “Are you as disgusted by them just tracking around the sidewalk, the roads, and they come into your house, they get on your bed, they’re kissing your face after they’ve been kissing other animal genitalia — I don’t understand why they get a pass on that.”
He went on to say that dogs will also sit on bed pillows, which owners will then sleep on, and noted there being “a highway of your saliva and germs” from the dog that’s too disgusting to ignore. “Everything’s wrong about it,” he said.
Bateman confirmed that he has two dogs, and ironically, they do not wear shoes. However, he also revealed that they don’t leave the house, so the hot take doesn’t apply to them.
“So they’re cats,” Rahma laughed. “Are you sure they’re not cats?” Bateman responded, “Well, one of them I think would qualify definitely as a dog, one of them is definitely a cat.”
Jennifer Aniston, 56, who famously owns two rescue dogs, Lord Chesterfield and Clyde, took to her Instagram Stories to share her thoughts on Bateman’s view of animal hygiene.
“Jason, how dare you?” she wrote in all caps with the video, followed by, “(But I hear you)” written underneath.
Jason Bateman’s dogs: blink twice if you need an intervention to get you back outdoors! No really, they never go outside?? Aniston, please give us the (filthy in Jason’s eyes) dirt on the Bateman pooches! In all sincerity, I highly recommend watching the full clip. Kareem does a great job of always circling back to Jason’s clean freakiness. And I gotta say, Jason neither holds back nor seems embarrassed. Rather, he relays his rituals with the assurance of someone who knows they’re RIGHT! And I say good for him! No joke, Jason sits on the NYC subway and shares, into a mic, that he washes his hands before he pees, because he doesn’t want the germs of the outside world that have glommed onto them to sully his junk. And of course, he dries his hands with a paper towel and then uses said towel to turn the faucet off. If this leaves you as mesmerized as I was/am, then please continue with Smartless: On The Road. He had Will and Sean doubled over in laughter when divulging — earnestly, bless him! — how he structures his day around showering and bowel movements, and the order in which they occur.
To be clear: I have no doubt that the science is completely on Jason’s side. But My Guy’s paws are uncovered and I wouldn’t trade our bedtime snuggles for the world.
Photos credit: IMAGO/Faye Sadou/Avalon, Charles Guerin/Abaca Press/INSTARimages, Julien Reynaud/APS-Medias/Abaca Press/INSTARimages, Getty Images for Netflix, Instagram via People