Embed from Getty Images
Okay, so I know when you all went to bed last night, your last thought before falling asleep was, “Star light, star bright/First star I see tonight/I wish I may, I wish for us all/To hear all about Nick Cannon’s balls.”
May your wishes be granted because prolific father Nick Cannon knows where his investments for the future lie, and he is protecting those two delicate assets for a stimulating $10 mil. Yup, that’s right! Nick Cannon partnered with personal hygiene brand Dr. Squatch to insure his testicles for 10 million dollars. Nick, who is father to 12 children, ages 13 years through 18-months with six different women, decided to go balls-to-the-wall, leaning into the fact that we’re all side-eyeing his situation. Rather than take himself seriously, he basically went the “Deez Nuts” route, doing an announcement/advertisement for Dr. Squatch via social media. Entertainment Weekly has a really funny write-up about it too:
Nick Cannon is embracing his legacy, taking his ball game to the next level. The Drumline star and notorious father announced via social media that soap company Dr. Squatch has insured his, uh, little Cannons for a whopping $10 million. “It’s official! I have the most valuable balls in the world!” Cannon wrote, without offering any details on the ball value of others to back up his claims. A press release insisted that the insurance policy on Cannon’s gonads is 100% real, despite the overall scenario clearly being an elaborate marketing ploy.
Cannon went on to explain that the soap brand insured his nether region through its “Ball-to-Ball Coverage,” and encouraged his followers to visit the company’s website to estimate the value of their own balls. “Check out their new Ball Care line that will keep your family jewels protected,” he wrote. He’s a giver!
The accompanying Instagram video sees Cannon celebrating his nut valuation and playing with a suggestive pair of golden eggs. “Nick Cannon’s golden balls are single-handedly keeping the human population afloat,” the narrator says as the ad shows horrifying clips of Cannon’s adult head superimposed onto baby bodies. “He’s fathered 12 children that he knows of, and shows no signs of stopping.”
A disclaimer at the bottom of the video reads, “Dr. Squatch does not actually sell insurance products. We do, however, sell products to care for and protect your balls.”
“Smooth game gets you nowhere without smooth balls to match,” Cannon says in the ad.
In one of the most unpleasant sentences we’ve ever read in a press release, the company said, “Instead of listening to the haters and getting a vasectomy, Nick is doubling down on his valuable family jewels and protecting his productive pair (and the super sperm inside of them) so he can keep procreating for years to come.” Yikes!
The company offers a variety of products to maximize downstairs hygiene.
“Haters say it’s time for me to stop having kids and put this super sperm to rest, but I’m doubling down on these valuable balls and my future kids,” Cannon said in the press release. “Shoutout to Dr. Squatch for giving my balls the credit they deserve and hooking me up with the protection I need to keep this family tree rolling! Don’t go another day without protecting and caring for your most valuable assets with Ball-to-Ball Coverage through Dr. Squatch’s new Ball Care products.”
Look, I know this is pretty cringe, but I also admit that it’s kinda small-picture hilarious. Mr. Rosie and I watched his Instagram video announcing the sponsorship and while we were prepared to roll our eyes, we ended up just cracking up. Nick is ridiculous and the marketing is ridiculous, but it was clever that he leaned into the ridiculousness of it all. Hey, he’s gotta pay for all of those Disney trips somehow. May as well have the cojones to make those family jewels earn their own income.
Meanwhile, Nick also told People a little bit about his Father’s Day plans this year. He’ll be working away on set for The Masked Singer on the day of, but wants to also leave some space for his children to hang out with him and give him gifts, of course!
“It’s definitely one of those days where I got be on my Ps and Qs the entire day,” Cannon admits. “It’s supposed to be a day where I get to rest, but I want to give all my kids the opportunity to connect and give me gifts, and all that type of stuff. It’s a fun day and I appreciate all the love that I get on that day.”
Although this year he’ll be filming for The Masked Singer on Father’s Day, Cannon says that “probably a lot of kids would be on set” as they celebrate the holiday. As for presents, the proud dad shares that it’s “all about arts and crafts gifts.”
“I’m getting the macaroni necklaces, the construction paper card, all of that stuff, which I love,” he says. “My offices are filled with great gifts that my kids have created and conjured up.”
Well, that is a lot of macaroni necklaces, #amirite? I can only imagine how many different Pinterest-inspired presents he gets from them. I also really love getting school-made gifts from my kids for Mother’s Day. Throughout the years, their teachers have come up with some really creative crafts and I cherish them all. As for the Cannon Crew, my only wish is not for Nick, but for his children. I genuinely hope that he does somehow take the time to spend actual quality one-on-one time with each of them. No matter what circumstances brought them into this world, they deserve to have a good, loving relationship with their dad.
….@Chilis for the win pic.twitter.com/tPEQaJgT2c
— Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) June 11, 2024