Dear Eric: Could you settle an argument? My husband has a friend and coworker who he has known for many years. I’ve met his wife a few times and although we are friendly, we’ve never done anything just the four of us.
My husband will hang out with his friend and has invited the couple to our home when I’m not home. On one occasion, they came over to get ideas for their huge backyard project. My husband even helped them several times by working on their backyard and he helps them out from time to time whenever they need help with something.
A few months ago, the wife had a huge birthday party at their home to show off their backyard and we were not invited. A few weeks after the party, the husband told my husband that we were originally on the invite list but then removed prior to the party. The reason being that a couple of the wife’s friends found out that we were on the list, and they told her if I was coming, they would not attend. Ouch!
Skip forward a few weeks, and my husband got a call from this couple asking for a ride home from a bar because they had a dog with them and couldn’t get an Uber ride. So, my husband dropped everything and helped them out. I was angry and hurt. My husband is good enough to help them out whenever they need it, but we’re not good enough friends to be invited to a party? My husband doesn’t see what the big deal is.
— Feeling Used
Dear Feeling Used: What’s going on with these catty friends-of-the-friend-of-your-husband who don’t want you at parties? I have so many questions. You don’t know the wife well, but her friends dislike you enough to get you booted from a party? I’m presuming you know the backstory here, but it sure raises my hackles.
I suspect that your husband’s hackles remain low, however, because he probably sees the friendship as one that started at work and expanded from there. So, perhaps, to his mind it doesn’t involve you.
Now, we don’t live in your husband’s mind. I can see why the disinvitation would sting and it’s odd that your husband didn’t take offense on your behalf. Because, honestly, it’s on his behalf as well. This goes beyond him “defending your honor”; it’s just empathy.
It’s one thing to have friends of one’s own. That’s normal and healthy. It’s quite another thing to have friends who are actively anti-social to one’s wife. The question you’re asking your husband is “why is this OK with you?” Even if it seems inconsequential to him, he should recognize the way this whole situation made you feel.
Dear Eric: A few years ago, I sold my extra car as I was retiring in good financial shape and simplifying my expenses. Having an extra EZ Pass toll device, I gifted it to my father and his third wife, my stepmother.
My father passed away a year ago and my family have all been very inclusive with my stepmother. She lives just across the George Washington Bridge from New York City and will go into the city multiple times a week or make other toll eligible trips.
A single trip is $15. She has two adult daughters of her own, who have acknowledged that their mother is their responsibility. She does have limited finances. Last year the toll charges came to almost $2,000 and this year it is trending toward $1,000.
As a retiree, I simply never thought the gift of an EZ Pass would add up to this amount every year. While I am in a better financial position than my 79-year-old stepmother, do I discuss my concerns with her? Do I raise the topic with her daughters to suggest they pick up the charges? Do I offer a fixed amount subsidy? Or do I grin and bear the gift that keeps on giving?
— Tolled Out
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Dear Tolled Out: Fifteen dollars? My eyes bugged out of my head like a cartoon character. I don’t know for whom that bell tolls, but it certainly isn’t me.
The beauty, and perhaps danger, of EZ Pass is right there in the first two letters. It’s so easy. You zip right through, without a second thought. It’s likely that your stepmother is zipping back and forth across the bridge without $15 charges racking up in her mind. So, reach out and let her know what’s happening.
Tell her that you’re happy to keep paying for the gift, but that you’d love to find a reasonable budget for it. Hopefully, she’ll be more than understanding and come up with a solution that works for both of you, be it less frequent trips, public transportation or sending you a check every month.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)