Dear Eric: For the last 45 years or so I’ve hosted Thanksgiving for my family. I’ve had as many as 25 people.
My sister has two sons, and they’ve always stayed with me. Quite frankly, it’s now an issue. Only one of these nephews has showed up lately, but he has three sons of his own, ranging from 22 to 8. My sister also stays with me. They come on Wednesday and stay till Friday.
It’s a lot considering all I have to do for the holiday.
I know if I say something about a hotel, they will be highly insulted.
My daughter also comes and stays, but that’s different. She’s one person and my daughter. Advice?
– Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed: I don’t want to sound flippant here, but if they’re insulted by you stating that you’re at capacity and can’t host six (maybe more) people, that’s on them. The solution is not to continue to bear the burden.
Special occasions, especially at holidays, often fall on one person’s shoulders – by default and by deflection. Often, it’s a woman, reflecting some family members’ assumptions that it’s her responsibility and she wants to do it. You may be or have been happy to host, and you can also be worn out from hosting now. Both can be true, and your family can and should hear that.
It’s not too late to talk to your nephew and your sister and say that, after 45 years, Thanksgiving is outpacing you and you need the family to take a greater role in making it happen.
It’s important that the work you’re doing not go unseen. Holidays don’t just happen. By saying, “This is a lot of work; can you help me host it?” you offer your family the chance to step up, which can enrich their experience of the holiday.
If they state that it just won’t be the same if they’re not staying with you, then ask them how they can make the experience of hosting easier on you. Maybe that means taking on some more meal preparation, or hiring a cleaning service to come reset things, or shortening the trip. There are a lot of possibilities, and they should be the ones coming up with them and presenting them to you.
It’s not your responsibility to make this work. You’re already making it work. It’s their responsibility to make it work for you, too.
Dear Eric: I have been recently looking over my canceled checks and realizing how many are the result of personal requests from friends and family to support runs, walks, swims, book fairs, and also favorite charities via obituaries that state “no flowers.”
Now, in more and more cases, I have received nothing from the family. I feel they are asking for a donation to a charity or organization of their choice, not one I am interested in. This leaves less for me to donate to organizations that I support.
Is there any way to politely ask a family member if they were notified that I donated to the charity of their choice?
I am doing this because I want the family to know I cared for their loved one and want them to know I am thinking of them. A pre-printed thank you, phone call, or email would be OK; I know this is a sad and stressful time.
I have often sent food via a reputable company such as Harry & David and also noted in a sympathy card a specific charity — when the obituary just says something like “donations to the local food bank,” I’ve included the name of the food bank I supported.
Ideas and suggestions appreciated.
– Acknowledgements
Dear Acknowledgements: Your tactic of noting your donation in a card is a good start, probably the best start. When people ask for donations in lieu of flowers or other sentiments, it’s often done as a way of giving those who care an option for paying that care forward.
If you’re concerned that the donation didn’t go through, of course you can always ask. But sometimes it’s best to just let a kindness be a kindness. The thought is what counts.
I often write that thank-you notes are not a lost art. Acknowledgement is more than a courtesy. However, as you mentioned, this particular social grace can sometimes get lost in the tumult of grief and post-death duties. Best to not take it personally.
If you’re feeling overextended with donations, for fundraisers and bereavements, make a budget for those expenses. If you spend through that budget, just send a card – whether it’s one of encouragement for a fun run or sympathy. Or even a text, in the case of some fundraisers. This budget would allow you to devote more money to the charities that are closest to your heart.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.