Dear Eric: My daughter will be 37 in a month but has never been able to completely support herself. She has a degree from a good university but is unable to keep a job for more than a year or so.
She presently works as a restaurant hostess at a high-end restaurant. She has lived with her younger boyfriend for five years with no plans to marry. She has bipolar mental issues and has had substantial financial assistance from us all her adult life.
When and how should we cut her off?
Her boyfriend doesn’t help her financially. We fear she will fall apart and become homeless. What should we do or not do? We have had years of discussions with her about becoming financially responsible.
— A Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Cutting her off can look different depending on your goals and her goals. For instance, if your financial circumstances have changed and you simply can’t afford it, that process is going to be a lot faster than, say, weaning her off your financial assistance so as to help her get on her feet.
Hopefully, she has medical and psychological support for her bipolar disorder. This is a good place to start. Talk to her and her medical team about strategies for independent living. It’s important to clearly articulate what her goals are and what your goals are and acknowledge places where they might not overlap. Your goals should be focused on what you can control, namely your finances.
Your hopes for her include her taking control of her own finances, but in terms of goals that has to be something that she owns. Because her version of taking responsibility for her financial situation may look different from what you imagine. That’s why it’s important to enlist the help and guidance of her care team, who can also point her to other resources that will build her skills and provide a social safety net. These can be resources to which she returns throughout life.
Similarly, dealing with the boyfriend’s lack of support has to be a goal she owns. But by showing that you respect her autonomy and you’re not the only option available to help her, you may make it easier for her to hear your guidance about this relationship.
Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)
Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.
Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family.
When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.
Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.
— Sharing Holidays
Dear Holidays: Even though Christmas hasn’t come yet, I’d suggest waiting until after the holiday to talk about this, with a focus on next year. Your middle child is perhaps still working out how to negotiate splitting holidays, as the relationship is new and every extended family has its own traditions.
Talking about the plan for next year keeps this from being a conversation about what your child or his girlfriend “did wrong.” (In quotes because nothing you’ve written indicates you feel this way, but often these conversations can end up with one or both sides feeling a mistake has been made.)
Instead approach it from a logistical point of view but don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want. “We love having you at the holidays. We also have lots of experience alternating holidays. We really appreciated you making Thanksgiving work and it was great to have you for what time you could be here. It would mean a lot to have you here for future holidays, but I want to know what your ideal is so that we can work together.”
When you both approach this as a time/travel puzzle to solve, it reduces some of the emotional tension. It’s important to remember that he isn’t choosing his girlfriend’s family over yours, that holidays don’t always have to happen on holidays and that the arrangements on all sides will continue to shift as life and circumstances change, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)