DEAR ABBY: My father died by suicide three years ago. My sister, who was initially supportive, later drunk-dialed our mother and said a bunch of nasty things about her and me. Mom didn’t cut the conversation short and later told me what was said, which included that Dad had done it because my other sister and I are “unstable” and because he was sick.
I haven’t talked to my alcoholic sister for a few years now. She previously ruined a family holiday with a different drunken outburst. She also squandered some money I had given her for a car. I want to confront her, but I know she’ll deny, deflect it back and try to insult me. I have no time for this.
I am disabled with severe recurrent depression and anxiety. I was the one who found Dad after the suicide, and it deeply affected me. I’m floored that not only would my sister not understand this but that she’d continue backbiting me.
Should I reach out and tell her why I haven’t answered her texts from right after it happened? (She doesn’t talk on the phone, only texts.) — SON/BROTHER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SON/BROTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your father. I can’t imagine the degree of shock and trauma finding him must have caused you. By now, you must realize that your sister is not a well woman. Whoever has been telling you about the nasty things she has been saying about you should be told you no longer want to hear it. This includes your mother. As for confronting your sister, I recommend against it. She isn’t going to change. If you haven’t been receiving help for your own issues, it’s time to reach out for some. You are entitled to it. And, for your own sake, continue to avoid your sister and her toxicity.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 40 years. Her 42-year-old son came to live with us four months ago. He has never worked in his life and does nothing. I’m supporting him now. Tonight, my wife told me, “Don’t forget about the trash. The pickup comes early in the morning, and I know you don’t want to get up at 5 to put it out.” I said, “Have your son do it. He doesn’t do anything except sleep all day and eat all night.” “Well, he’s in bed already,” she responded. So I took the trash out and finished the dishes. He walked past me to go outside and have a cigarette (that I bought). Am I wrong to be mad? My wife says I’m wrong. — IMPOSED UPON IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR IMPOSED UPON: You say the son is 42, and you have been married to his mother since he was 2. Who raised him? Was he with his father? Is there something wrong with him that you omitted from your letter? Why is he living with you? Why hasn’t he found a job so he could contribute to his room and board?
When you pointed out that because you are supporting her son, HE and not you should take out the garbage, she should have awakened him and informed him his help was needed. For your sake (and his), put your foot down. You not only have the right to be mad, but you also have the right to make your feelings known.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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