Confession: I’m an untidy person. Did you notice how you perked up when I used the word “confession?” It’s human nature to want to peer into other people’s souls. I’m sorry to say mine isn’t that interesting, which is why I don’t mind blabbing all my personal stuff all over the pages of this newspaper.
And being untidy is considered a personal failing in our culture, a breach of the moral code. A good, upstanding person would have a clean, organized house that is soothing to the eyes when you walk into it. No piles of clutter. No junk all over the dining room table. No giant boxes of Costco finds that you have nowhere to put, so they’re shoved into a corner. But–and I admit this sadly — that’s not me.
I have in the past tried to turn over a new leaf and become orderly, ferociously going through my house and decluttering, cleaning out closets so things can actually be stored in there —other than three Frisbees (when no one in our house plays Frisbee.)
But here’s the rub: When I start cleaning all the junk off the dining room table, for example, fantasizing about some future day when it could theoretically again be used for … dining … I invariably find something that needs to be put away in my bathroom. Say, a Costco purchase that never made it off the table, where it landed when I got home from shopping. So, I take it into the bathroom, but while I’m there, I notice that none of the cleaning supplies have been put away. They’re still on the counter of the sink. Messy messy messy. So I open the bottom cabinet and start putting those away, and realize how messy that cabinet is, so I start organizing it so that there’s room to store the cleaning supplies.
I know you’re highly intelligent people, since you’re reading my column, so you clearly foresee the end of this process. That’s right. By the end of the day, various things have been straightened up around the house invisibly, but the dining room table is still covered with clutter.
After this happens a few times, it’s easy to just fall into a pit of existential despair. I decide that eating in the dining room is really just a bourgeois habit, and it’s so much more fun to eat on the living room couch.
Right now, my table is covered with the leftover detritus of a Christmas-ornament making party I had — that’s right, before Christmas. And, yes, five months later, it’s still there. But, wait, I can explain. I also got my rubber stamp collection out of the cupboard, along with paper and envelopes, and started making greeting cards on it. This is really fun. It requires a lot of stuff, like marking pens, paint, heavyweight paper, envelopes, decorations and such.
I keep trying to put all this away. In fact, I just bought a new plastic bin the size of a 1957 Buick to store it. But every time I start loading everything into it — the stamps, the ink pads, the paint, the markers, the paper, the envelopes, the glue, the containers of glitter, the tiny stars, well, I could keep on going but you get the drift — I realize that someone’s birthday is coming up, so I sit down and make them a card. When I finish doing that, I look up and address the card, find a stamp and put it out by the mailbox, Then, I realize I’m late for yet another doctor’s appointment.
So, yet again, the stuff doesn’t get stored away. I really miss having a craft room, where you can make a huge mess and then just shut the door on it. I haven’t had one of those since I adopted my kids in 2002. Gee. 23 years ago.
Some of you are making a disgusted face right now. I can see you. You’re thinking to yourself, “You’re just making excuses for being a slob. It’s not that hard to be clean.”
Well, yes, but here are my excuses: I don’t consider myself dirty. Messy, yes. But I don’t leave dirty dishes lying around, and I use the trash can consistently. Things that fall on the floor (usually) don’t remain there. Our dog, Lil Wayne, helps with that. My housekeeper Dora comes every week to do the heavy cleaning, mopping the floors, washing clothes, well, you know.
Now, I have to tell you that I’ve been a newspaper reporter for 45 years, and I’ve been inside countless homes of strangers. And, you know what? They’re usually rather messy, unless they’ve been straightened up for my arrival. That’s just the way people live. I’ve been in the home of a woman who still had a very dusty Christmas tree up in July, for example. Did I judge her? No, I did not. So please don’t judge me.
However, when your clutter is preventing you from doing things you like, such as entertaining, then it is time to take action. This is what I’m telling myself. The best way I’ve found to clean up your house is to schedule an event there, like maybe an audience with the Pope. Then, you will race around and clean it up, so people won’t know what a slob you really are. That’s what I need to do. Are you available Aug. 24? I think that’s when I can be ready.