DEAR HARRIETTE: Before my boyfriend and I met, he was in a long-term relationship with his high school sweetheart until she died.
He and I met about three years later, and there were signs that he was still struggling with the loss.
We started as friends, and during that time I met several people he had become close with due to the tragedy, like two of her best friends and some of her family members.
When we started seeing each other romantically, a lot of that part of him trickled into our relationship, like celebrating her birthday with her family or visiting her resting site on the anniversary of her death. He is close with her two best friends and her mom — all of whom are kind women.
Sometimes people who knew his late girlfriend give him cards or share speeches at special occasions, and they regularly bring up her name and discuss the role my boyfriend played in her life.
For a long time, my main focus was supporting this man through his grief and being there for him. He and I have been in a relationship for five years now.
I recognize there is no time limit on grief or a love lost, but I wish those around him might recognize how left out I feel as the new woman in his life. Should I share this with my partner?
— Grieving Lover
DEAR GRIEVING LOVER: Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you respect his grief about his former girlfriend, but you also need space to feel that you fully occupy his life as his partner.
Don’t ask him to stop his rituals. That probably won’t work. Instead, ask him to prioritize the relationship between you and him and live in the present. Invite his friends to do the same. It is impossible to compete with a ghost.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it OK to be selective about where or when I spend time with certain friends? Or does that make me shallow?
One of my best friends is loud and often asks invasive questions. She likes being in the limelight, so she draws attention to our group by joking incessantly or interjecting in conversations.
I love her because she is genuinely vibrant and caring, but sometimes in professional settings or even around new friends in casual settings, I find myself worrying about the impression she’ll give.
I can see sometimes that her humor and her way of connecting with people is not well-received, but I don’t know how to help in the moment without embarrassing her. She is intelligent, but she seems socially oblivious.
Should I try to teach her otherwise, or be more mindful of what sorts of things and places I invite her to?
— Center of Attention
DEAR CENTER OF ATTENTION: You can do two things. First, in private, talk to her about how she interacts with people, and suggest that she step back and read the room before inserting herself into certain situations. Have some examples ready for clarity’s sake.
You can also be more selective as to where you invite her. That’s not a diss; it’s self-preservation. Not every person is suited to every occasion.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.