DEAR HARRIETTE: I love your column, but I do want to comment on your letter to “Off-Limits,” whose boyfriend of two months wouldn’t show her his home. While your response was good, I don’t think it went far enough.
If she sat him down and told him her concerns, I think the odds are low that he would open up with her and be honest — and, no matter what he told her, how could she really know if he was being honest? He could give her some sob story about being homeless or couch-surfing or something else, and it could have been covering up the real fact that he had another woman at home.
After two months, I think it’s a huge red flag that he won’t show her his place; I would strongly advise her to break it off before she gets more involved with him.
— Second Thoughts
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Thank you for your kind words about my column and your thoughts about this woman’s boyfriend.
Many people have chimed in on this one — it hit a nerve!
I see why you say to break it off. I have one more thought, which is that the girlfriend should slow way down if he is hiding where he lives. She shouldn’t get too close until she has developed complete trust. That has to include revealing basic details about her life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I helped my friend “Erica” get hired at my company. I usually do not like recommending people I know to work with me, but the job market has been tough, so I didn’t mind.
Erica was hired, and unfortunately she has not been performing well. She is about six months in now, and recently the hiring manager asked if I might speak with Erica to see if there’s any additional support that she needs to help her be her best self.
I did just that, and Erica did not appreciate it. She told me that my reference was the extent of the help that she needed from me. That was a rude awakening.
Later, the hiring manager told me that Erica is rarely on time for work and even for important meetings.
Because Erica set that boundary, though, I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about her performance again. Should I feel guilty if this all costs her the job?
— Work Performance
DEAR WORK PERFORMANCE: Your reputation is on the line at your job. You must preserve that, so I recommend two steps.
Though Erica asked you to stay out of her business, butt in one more time. Tell her that you know she doesn’t want you to meddle, but you need to let her know that her unprofessional behavior has been brought to your attention. Because you recommended her, her behavior reflects directly on you. Ask her to recommit to the job or look for another as you believe she is not meeting expectations at your company.
Next, speak to the hiring manager. Explain that you spoke to Erica about their concerns, and you hope her performance doesn’t reflect on you. Apologize for any disruption she may be causing.
Do know, however, that it is highly unprofessional for the hiring manager to bring their concerns about a colleague to you rather than speaking to that person directly.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.