DEAR HARRIETTE: This entire year has been a struggle for me. I’m a freelancer, and business is down dramatically. I can hardly pay my bills.
I rarely talk about it, but the holidays are approaching, and I cannot show up the way I usually do with gifts for everyone. I barely have the cash to get to my hometown to be with the family.
The thing is, everyone thinks of me as the successful one, the one who moved to the big city and made it. I haven’t made a thing this year other than more debt.
How can I manage expectations with family without having to explain my situation? I just want to be with them. I don’t want to be interrogated.
— Lean Times
DEAR LEAN TIMES: Contact the member of your family you are closest to and explain your situation — at least the key points.
Share that you are excited to see them, but you can’t play Santa this year. Times are tight, and you just don’t have it.
If you can, bring something for the young children in the family. If that’s out of reach, don’t sweat that either.
Your presence will certainly make your family happy. You have to be OK with that. Your attitude can serve as their guide.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend expects me to handle every single detail whenever we hang out: choosing the activity, making the reservations, checking hours and figuring out travel time.
The moment we decide to do something, she defaults to, “You pick!” or “Just tell me where to go!”
I’ve told her multiple times, in clear and honest ways, that I don’t enjoy being the one in charge of all the planning every time. I’ve explained that it stresses me out because I feel responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly, and it would really help if we could take turns or at least decide things together.
She laughs it off, says I’m “better at it” and continues to lean on me like it’s my permanent role in our friendship.
At this point, hanging out sometimes feels less like spending time with a friend and more like coordinating an event for someone who won’t lift a finger to help. I love her and enjoy our time together, but I’m starting to feel taken for granted and mentally exhausted before we even meet up.
I don’t want to be harsh, but I don’t know how to make her understand that this isn’t sustainable for me. How do I get her to take my feelings seriously and step up so our friendship feels like an equal partnership, not a one-sided planning committee?
— Step It Up
DEAR STEP IT UP: Be willing to have your next adventure fail. Tell her you aren’t going to plan anything. Ask her to take the reins to make it happen.
Leave everything to her other than your agreed-upon time and place to meet. Resist jumping in to make anything happen. See if she rises to the occasion.
If she does not, address the disaster that you are facing. Tell her that if she is unwilling to do anything to make your activities together happen, you cannot continue to participate. Hopefully, this will get her to make an effort.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.