DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months now, and I thought things felt serious between us.
Over the weekend, we were on our way to a date when her phone rang — it was another guy. She answered the call out loud and told the person she was busy and would return his call later, but he called her “babe” as they were hanging up.
I was so confused, and she could tell. She apologized for taking the call in front of me, and I lost my cool because I thought she should be apologizing for leading me on.
Apparently, we were never explicit about being exclusive, and she has been dating other people.
I wasn’t up for a date after that news, so I found my way home.
I really do like this girl and realize that maybe my misstep was not being up-front about my feelings sooner.
Do you think it’s worth explaining that to her now, or are she and I on two different pages in terms of how we feel about each other?
— Dating Exclusively
DEAR DATING EXCLUSIVELY: If you like this woman, fight for her.
Ask her to meet with you, and tell her that you would like to be exclusive. Admit that you were taken aback when another suitor called her but that you realized the two of you had never had that discussion.
Ask her if she thinks there’s a chance for the two of you to build something special and, if so, whether she is willing to be exclusive with you while you figure it out. If she does not agree, then you will know what to do next.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I accidentally referred to my friend with the wrong pronouns, and they snapped at me!
We’ve been friends for nearly a year now, but I introduced them to some new friends and used the pronoun “she.” I felt awful. Just as quickly as I was about to correct myself, they were already yelling at me. They lost it.
They accused me of not caring enough after a year of building friendship — that is not the case at all!
Although I was thoroughly embarrassed, I know that reaction was probably really a result of them encountering many people who truly don’t care. I want my friend to know that I am not one of those people. Their pronouns do matter to me.
I will admit, though, that I have a bad habit of assuming people’s pronouns based on their appearance. How can I be more mindful of people’s preferred pronouns? Any tips?
— Pronouns Matter
DEAR PRONOUNS MATTER: The easiest way to be neutral about pronouns is to refer to people as “they.” That is hard for me as I am a strict grammarian, and it feels against the rules for me to say they when referring to one person.
That said, when you truly care about someone and want to be respectful of how they refer to themselves, you can default to “they” or pause and try to remember what they call themselves. That mini pause may be able to get you in alignment. Hopefully your friend, whoever they may be, will see the effort that you are making.
While it is important to address people in the way they prefer, what’s more important is to show your love and respect for them. It sounds like your friend is overly sensitive and took it out on you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.