DEAR HARRIETTE: My close friend recently asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and while I was honored at first, I’m now struggling with mixed feelings.
I care deeply about her and want to support her happiness, but I don’t agree with many of her fiance’s values or the way he treats certain situations.
There have been moments when I’ve witnessed him make comments or decisions that really don’t sit well with me, and it makes me worry about their long-term future together.
I feel conflicted because standing by her side as a bridesmaid feels like I’m endorsing the relationship, and I don’t know if I can do that wholeheartedly. On the other hand, saying no feels like it would hurt her deeply and maybe even jeopardize our friendship.
I don’t want to come across as judgmental or overstepping, but I also don’t want to ignore my instincts. Should I be honest with her about my hesitations and risk damaging our bond, or should I accept the role, keep my concerns to myself and support her day no matter how I feel about the marriage itself?
— Standing for My Friend
DEAR STANDING FOR MY FRIEND: A brave thing you can do is ask your friend to get together and have a candid conversation.
Tell her you love her and want to support her in any way that you can. Add that you are a bit worried about her. Give her specific examples of your observations. Ask her if she has any apprehensions of her own.
Tell her you want to have her back and you just want to make sure she is going into this union with her eyes wide open. You can point out things you know about her that conflict with things you have observed in him as something for her to consider.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This year has been extremely busy for me and my core friend group. No matter how much we try, it seems like every time we try to pick a time we can all be available to catch up and do something together, we fail.
I recognize that being busy is not always something people can change, but still, isn’t it important to make time for the ones you love?
One friend in particular often puts us off for months at a time or simply doesn’t respond. If we happen to make plans without her, she doesn’t take it well.
The other day, we were all finally out to dinner, and I casually mentioned that sometimes it takes months to plan with her, and she got really defensive and accused me of “talking crap.”
Did I overstep? Or is she being sensitive?
— Busy Schedules
DEAR BUSY SCHEDULES: Rubbing it in was not the nicest thing for you to do. You all know how difficult it is to get together.
Instead of turning the knife as you did, consider another option for the future. Why not agree to set a date to get together every quarter? Those who can join should come; those who cannot will be missed. That way, you see one another without guilting anyone who can’t make it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.