Dear Ismael,
I’m in a women’s “book group” that has been meeting for years.
It is a women-only group, and our partners all courteously disappear for the evening, making themselves scarce so we have the privacy to speak freely. One member’s husband, however, apparently didn’t get the memo. He hangs around, chatting us up in the kitchen etc. and never exactly disappearing like he should.
What to do? It’s been mentioned to his group member partner, but it seems to have no effect.
— Girl’s Time in 60657
Dear Girl’s Time,
I understand your frustration. We all need our sacred spaces, and that’s hard to do when you have someone who prevents you and the group from truly letting loose. It’s especially annoying if it’s during a long-cherished event you all look forward to.
However, as a former child loner who found comfort at family barbecues with the women, I can’t help but empathize with the guy. Women are so fun, have the best stories and can make bingo (or lotería, in my case) a very intense, high-stakes game. The times the moms made it clear children (or boys) weren’t welcome were full social torture for me as I waited for the party to end.
Still, there is a time and place when everyone is invited. That tag-along husband and his partner need to understand he is ruining a special experience and is not welcome to this particular event.
You all have done your part with gentle reminders, but because that hasn’t worked, it might be time to get uncomfortable for the sake of comfort. In order for this to not seem like a full-on aggressive confrontation, I suggest you rinse and repeat those initial efforts (with a solution, this time) before you put down the iron.
Drop subtle hints with a clear solution
If the husband (let’s call him Fred) is still lingering, drop hints again. This time, give him something to do instead of just sending him away.
Start by passively getting the husband’s partner involved in the planning, and say something like: “My husband likes to go bowling with the others while I’m here and they’re looking for another player. Do you think Fred would be interested in filling in?”
Make him do you the favor of leaving by giving his presence purpose elsewhere.
If that is a swing-and-a-miss, lean on the other non-member partners for help and find an activity the husband would be interested in.
“Hey Fred, the women are about to get started. We are about to go to a bar to watch the game, want to come with?”
If there aren’t any plans set, make some. Get some of the guys to go catch a movie and invite the husband. Or buy a deck of cards and make them play at the next available location. Just because this married couple doesn’t get the hint, doesn’t mean the other partners won’t understand why privacy is important to the group.
Don’t leave room for nuance or interpretation
We can only hope to assume the group member didn’t tell her husband in order to not hurt his feelings, or maybe she didn’t think it was that serious.
If every other effort has failed, it’s time leave no room for doubts and tell them point-blank. Come prepared with an answer for what might be their first objection: “What’s the big deal?”
“We are about to share some personal thoughts and experiences as we reflect on the book, and the women don’t feel comfortable with you here. Could you please step out for a couple hours and give us some privacy?”
They might be one of those couples who just can’t stand to be apart. I don’t know if that ever goes away or if the urge to be a duo at every event gets stronger with time.
What I do know is that that’s not the book club’s problem.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.