In its infinite, benevolent and unmotivated-by-profit wisdom, FIFA has bestowed the highest honor in sports upon “San Francisco.”
Or, to be more accurate, the organization has bestowed it upon a roasting griddle of asphalt next to a mid-sized amusement park in Santa Clara.
Yes, the World Cup is coming to Levi’s Stadium. The greatest sporting spectacle on Earth is descending on the technological capital of the world, bringing with it all the pageantry, passion, and soul-crushing traffic jams on Highway 101 that one can withstand.
Last time the men’s tournament was in the U.S., in 1994, eventual champion Brazil played three games at Stanford Stadium.
This time, however, the World Cup does not appear to be bringing the world’s best teams to the Bay this time around.
So before you go selling your crypto at a loss to fund a “Platinum Hospitality Experience,” let’s take a look at the projected slate. Because if FIFA holds to its rules regarding the bracket — stop laughing, please — the international soccer federation might actually need to pay you to attend some of these games.
Levi’s will host games in Groups B, D, and J, which were drawn in a farce of a ceremony on Friday.
And yet, amid the infinite possibilities, the Bay Area managed to snag three “Groups of Death.”
Not because of the elite competition on the pitch.
No, it was a death blow to the local economy.
Here is the projected — and I stress, projected — menu for the Bay Area’s turn on the global stage:
– June 13: Qatar vs. Switzerland
– June 16: Austria vs. Jordan
– June 19: (The survivor of Turkey/Romania/Slovakia/Kosovo) vs. Paraguay
– June 22: Jordan vs. Algeria
– June 25: Paraguay vs. Australia
Read that list again. Try to suppress the urge to nap.
It reads less like a Clash of Titans and more like the roll call at a high school model U.N. conference. Nothing screams “global glamour” quite like a midday kickoff in the merciless Santa Clara sun, watching the Swiss “park the bus” against Qatar. At least the Qataris will feel right at home in the heat; the dozens of fans in the unshaded east stands, however, will be cooked medium-well by halftime.
And, my goodness, who isn’t vibrating with anticipation for Jordan vs. Paraguay?
I don’t want to trash other sovereign nations — someone from the U.S. has to practice diplomacy — but somehow Santa Clara is set to receive a collection of teams that barely scraped into the expanded tournament, a slate of glorified friendlies between nations whose primary export is serviceable midfielders.
This schedule might set soccer back in the Bay by a few years.
These are the San Jose Earthquakes of international soccer.
It’s not like these matchups are tapping into massive local ethnic enclaves, either.
The Jordanian American Association estimates there are roughly 15,000 people of Jordanian descent in the Bay Area. While I am sure they are wonderful people and their tailgate spreads will be absolutely elite, you could bring them all, plus every kid named Jordan, plus everyone wearing Jordans, and you still wouldn’t fill the Levis.
And let’s be real: The VC crowd didn’t drop $50,000 on a luxury suite to watch a 0-0 defensive struggle involving the winner of a Kosovo vs. Slovakia playoff and Paraguay (a defensive-minded nation of 7 million people).
Maybe the Austrians can save us? There are, allegedly, 85,000 Austrian-Americans in California. But unless Real Madrid star David Alaba is personally driving a shuttle bus from Los Angeles, Levi’s is going to sound like a library for that game.
There is a silver lining, faint as it may be. Because the U.S. received the gift of an easy draw in Group D and should be favored to win it. If the stars align, the winner of Group D plays a quarterfinal match at Levi’s on July 1.
But any American soccer fan should know to never bet on the U.S. men to do what they should. That is a path to sorrow.
If the Americans falter, we could get a second Australian game in a row.
Now, the Aussies are plucky, and I’m already coordinating with my friends from Down Under on who is smuggling in the Coopers Pale Ale, but let’s be honest: “Plucky” doesn’t sell out an NFL stadium (though they may sell out the beer.)
However, remember the Golden Rule of FIFA: money.
This schedule isn’t written in stone; it’s written in pencil by bureaucrats in Zurich who really, really enjoy revenue. They might be persuaded—if you catch my drift—to make a few last-minute “adjustments” before things become official on Saturday.
If you were hoping for the greatest teams in the world to come through Santa Clara, unscrupulous means are our only hope. And heaven knows there are means in Silicon Valley to grease some skids.
Until this schedule is official, there is a scenario — a glorious, all-eyes-on-us scenario — where the soccer gods send one of their own to the Bay.
We need Argentina.
We need a little bit of Lionel Messi in his final World Cup. We need the defending champions. We need the actual World Cup experience, not the undercard of a regional qualifier.
Ask yourself: Does FIFA want Messi playing his first game of this Cup in a global market with the wealthiest people in North America?
Or do they want him in a smaller market like Kansas City?
I think we know the answer. We need the “randomness” of the draw to align with the organizers’ financial interests. Which, historically speaking, happens about 100 percent of the time.
If we don’t land Argentina, we are left with a slate of games that won’t even require someone to ask, “Is this San Francisco?” No one will care enough to show up and wonder.
Don’t get me wrong, it will still be a logistical disaster — heaven forbid the Levi’s Stadium experience ever be easy.
But please, FIFA. Give us Messi. We can make it worth your whole.
Because, even as someone who can tell you that Swiss great Granit Xhaka is having a lovely season for Sunderland, I can’t muster any excitement for this garage sale of a schedule.