DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently decline Christmas invitations from a friend when the people they invite are all couples, and the women don’t really like you? We are all seniors.
GENTLE READER: Why don’t they like you?
Never mind; that is none of Miss Manners’ business. Nor need it be mentioned when you simply express gratitude for the invitation and regret that you cannot accept.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes when I receive an invitation to an event, the sender writes “By Hand” in the lower right-hand corner of the envelope. Obviously, this means that they delivered the invitation to my house themselves, without using the postal service.
Is this a true form of etiquette? I cannot find a single reference to it in any etiquette book. It seems a bit pretentious to me, and I have always wondered if, in fact, it is really correct to use the term.
GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Miss Manners would think the opposite, as it tells you that the sender made an extra effort. And also perhaps that the sender does not trust the postal service.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends I see frequently, but they rarely see each other.
When we all get together, inevitably one will start telling the other a story I have heard many times. Then the other will tell her a story with which I am very familiar.
I’ve tried staring vacantly off into space, but it doesn’t seem to be noticed. How can I suggest we simply talk about current events?
GENTLE READER: Listening to the same story more than once is the price of friendship. For that matter, it is also the price of romance — and the price of compassion, in cases of dementia.
If you have never faked enjoying a familiar anecdote or joke, Miss Manners worries that you are unwilling to make the smallest sacrifice for those you supposedly cherish. She knows happy couples who even prompt each other to tell a relevant story to fresh listeners.
In this case, we are merely talking about one friend finding a new audience. Surely you can indulge this, in the hope that your friend will not gag when you seize a chance to tell your favorite story to a newcomer.
As for getting back to real conversation, you have the advantage of knowing where the story is going. That gives you the chance to cap it with a question such as, “Would that sort of thing happen today?” Or, “Did you see what the Supreme Court did yesterday?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you set the table when the salad is served at the same time as the rest of the meal?
I went to a friend’s house and she put the salad fork to the left of the regular fork. We used two forks during the meal: one for salad and one for the rest of the food.
Was this correct, or is a regular fork used for both the salad and the main course if served at the same time?
GENTLE READER: Please do not encourage the libel that etiquette is a conspiracy to humiliate innocent people by providing confusing forks. One fork to a course, Miss Manners assures you.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.