DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked with someone who was uber passive-aggressive and made my life at work difficult. Fortunately, she retired at the end of the semester.
There was a retirement gathering for her with cake and coffee, given by her colleagues. I vowed long ago as division chair to never attend a gathering for this individual, so I skipped it.
I was confronted and scolded regarding my absence. I didn’t want to lie, so I said there were personal issues that precluded me from attending.
Should I have just gone and been the better person? Should I have lied that I had an appointment?
GENTLE READER: “Passive-aggressive” is one of those terms that Miss Manners has never entirely understood.
Would an example be putting up with bad behavior from a colleague for years without resolving it, and then venting the accumulated frustration by shirking one’s duty as division chair to attend a ceremonial gathering honoring that person’s retirement?
She is equally unclear on the moral distinction between being truthful about your absence (when there are no consequences) compared to having presumably been civil and professional every prior day (when there were).
What would have been the harm in showing up for a colleague you did not care for — but will not have to see again afterwards? Instead of being the better person, we can call it being the bigger person. Or doing your job. Or showing that there are more important things in your life than her bad behavior.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member called to confirm birth dates and anniversary dates for my adult children and their spouses.
When I reminded her that both my daughter and my daughter-in-law had opted to keep their maiden names when they married their husbands, she replied that she knew, but that she would continue to address their anniversary cards as “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.”
I politely but firmly disagreed, to which she replied that she did not care — not once, but twice.
I am wondering what you think of this attitude. I find it disrespectful, not only of my daughter and daughter-in-law, but of me.
GENTLE READER: Knowingly addressing the cards incorrectly is disrespectful towards the recipients. Telling you of her plan to do so is impertinent and picking a fight. Telling you she does not care about your opinion, twice, is redundant and also tiresome.
And Miss Manners notes that this is being done as a prelude to wishing relatives well on their birthdays and anniversaries.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I issue online invitations to multiple guests at once, I generally use the option to hide the guest list from invitees.
I’m not sure why I do this, except that back when I sent invitations through the mail, nobody got (or expected) a list of the other invitees.
However, some of our friends, before they tell us whether they plan to attend or not, immediately ask who else is invited or who else is coming. It makes me wonder if they only plan to intend if the list includes the Cool Kids.
GENTLE READER: Wonder no more.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.