DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 67-year-old man who works out regularly at a gym. The gym is open 24/7, and members have a key fob to enter since it is not always staffed.
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I was exercising at 9 p.m., and the only other person there was a young, attractive woman, probably in her 40s. We exchanged pleasantries.
When I was finished with my workout, I realized I did not feel comfortable leaving a young woman alone there at night. I was especially concerned about her walking out to her car by herself.
After my workout, I sat on a bench near the door, waiting for her to finish so I could make sure she got to her car all right.
Miss Manners, I did not keep talking to her while she finished exercising; I just looked at my phone quietly. I did nothing untoward to her.
As she left the building, she said, “Have a good night.” Then I watched her from inside the gym to make sure she got in her car safely. After she drove off, I left. I intentionally waited until her car drove away before leaving so she didn’t think I was trying to follow her.
Several days later, the gym owner approached me and said that when I’m finished exercising, I need to leave immediately and not linger. He said this was for the safety of all members.
Safety! That’s exactly why I was “lingering”!
Did I do something wrong here? Should a man not try to keep a woman safe? I thought I was being chivalrous.
GENTLE READER: How was the young lady supposed to know that?
If she, like you, worries about strange men targeting her — well, what do you look like, hanging idly around while she is alone in the gym?
Miss Manners is all for people watching out for one another. But the trouble with chivalry is that the chevalier decides what is best for the lady without consulting her.
You could have said, “If you’re concerned about safety in the parking lot, I could stay and watch from the window to make sure you’re OK.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to tell an old person that she looks young for her age?
GENTLE READER: Can’t you just tell her how good she looks?
Miss Manners is aware that the society considers it an embarrassment to grow older, and therefore most people are flattered to “pass” for ages younger than their own.
However, those who do not accept that premise consider it patronizing to be treated as if they do — to be addressed as “young lady” or “young man” when one is obviously not, for instance. And there is no need to attach that to a compliment.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My difficult mother-in-law has lost her husband. I don’t want to do anything for her, since she never appreciates it and always wants more. But I feel bad for her, since she is old and alone.
There are two sisters, but they don’t have a relationship with her.
I am confused. What should I do?
GENTLE READER: You mean other than prompt your spouse to help his or her mother?
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.