DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother passed away some years ago, my brother and his wife placed a stuffed black cat toy in her casket. My mother had owned several black cats.
Months later, I was opening a Christmas gift from my brother. It turned out to be a stuffed black cat. He said, “Do you know where that came from?” Of course I knew! My mouth dropped open.
Miss Manners, was this absolutely the worst Christmas gift ever, or am I missing something? I don’t understand how anyone could gift something that had been in a casket. Am I overly sensitive?
GENTLE READER: Back up. Miss Manners needs some clarification on the mechanics of this.
She is presuming that the casket was not closed at the visitation, and that your brother and his wife grabbed the cat before it became so? Please do not tell her that they dug up a grave.
Of course, neither scenario is appealing, and it is not surprising that anyone would be sensitive about it, to say the least. No one would blame you if you hid the toy cat in the back of a closet, never to be seen again.
Miss Manners only asks that you resist the temptation to pass it back to them at the next holiday, playing a twisted game of “not it” by way of revenge.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several nieces and nephews I adore. While they were growing up, I always sent a birthday card, even if there was no family birthday celebration.
I would add a check for a modest financial gift up until their 21st birthday, after which I would simply send a card and a text. Some nieces and nephews now have children of their own, so I send cards and money to them.
None of my siblings or siblings-in-law send birthday cards, to my knowledge, unless there’s a party. I guess I do this because I want to let my nieces and nephews know I love them and they are important to me. I want to make them feel a little special on their birthday, and express a closeness to my extended family. It makes me feel good to do so.
Now, though, it occurs to me that it’s possible these cards may make people feel uncomfortable. Especially when there’s money in them, and especially when the gift goes to their little children. I wouldn’t want them to be uncomfortable or embarrassed. What is your take on this, please?
GENTLE READER: That having already renewed the tradition, it is going to be tricky to stop now. Your grandnieces and -nephews may wonder why suddenly you do not want them to feel special.
To be clear, Miss Manners has never liked sending money as a present. But the thought of a young child who has been used to receiving a check in her card, shaking it up and down and wondering if she did something wrong, is too much for even her glacial heart to bear.
She therefore suggests you continue the tradition until they turn 18 or 21. If it helps, virtually no one except Miss Manners gets uncomfortable or embarrassed by receiving money — and your relatives will no doubt appreciate you continuing the gesture for their children, putting the money away for their future expenses.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.