ENGLAND are 3-1 favourites to win the Euros, and with good reason.
We have pace, power, several genius ballers, a top goalkeeper, and a goal-scoring machine upfront.
My detailed 20-point plan can help Gareth Southgate to victory in the EurosGetty
I have huge faith in these talented ladsGETTY
As well as a bit of luck we need smart tactics – and I have them
Plus, we came so close last time and have a much better squad now.
So, it’s no wonder the bookies fancy us to finally get our hands back on an international trophy for the first time since 1966, when I was just 16 months old.
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But we’re going to need some tactical smarts, some luck, a lack of injuries to star players, and possibly even some celestial help.
Here is my 20-point guide to help Gareth Southgate’s men triumph:
1 – VENGEANCE
Vengeance must be our fuel. I was at the 2020 Final at Wembley and my torment at losing that agonising penalty shoot-out to Italy was then worsened by catching covid at the game and losing my taste, smell and energy for seven months.
I need those terrible scars exorcised – I couldn’t even enjoy my favourite Chateau Latour! – and as Frank Sinatra once said: ‘The best revenge is success.’
2 – BOTTLE
Southgate needs to find his. He’s a good guy, and a very able manager, but he has an overly defensive streak that is inconsistent with our Lions nickname.
Real lions don’t grab their prey by the neck, as we did with Italy for the first 60 minutes of that 2020 Final, then let them escape… they savage them to fast, furious, aggressive death.
England have the best attacking side in the competition and Southgate must order them to ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK.
3 – PASTA
Our players should eat more pasta. When Italy beat us, their legendary defender Leonardo Bonucci taunted our fans by shrieking ‘More pasta! Eat more pasta!’ He’s right.
Pasta has a low glycaemic index (GI), the measurement of how quickly our bodies break down carbohydrates into glucose and absorb into the blood stream, so pasta digests slowly, which means it provides longer-lasting sustained energy.
Load ‘em up with spaghetti, Gareth!
4 – SHAW’S HAMSTRING
Luke Shaw’s hamstring is England’s single most important body-part right now, with the possible exception of my brain.
He’s pulled his hammy 4 times in 4 years, most recently in February and hasn’t played any competitive football since then.
But he’s our only genuine left back, and with Harry Maguire already out of the tournament, and John Stones struggling with both an ankle problem and a sickness bug, we desperately need Shaw fit and firing in our defence.
5 – DUX DECLAN
I love our captain Harry Kane but talking isn’t his talent, and he should hand all pre-match rally-cries to Declan Rice whose brilliance on the pitch is only matched by his passionate eloquence off it.
Rice is our Maximus Decimus Meridius – a tall, powerful, bearded, ferocious gladiator seeking revenge on cocky Roman emperors who I want to see at the helm of the England team huddle, screaming: ‘At my signal, UNLEASH HELL!’
6 – JUST. STOP. MBAPPE
Stop Kylian Mbappe. France are our biggest rivals for the trophy, and their main striker is the best player in the world.
He’s lighting quick, barbarically strong, wondrously skilful and a deadly finisher – the ultimate nightmare for any defender.
The only way to stop him is to treat him the way a pack of hyenas treat a freshly-slain carcass in the African bush – swarm all over him the moment he gets the ball, frenziedly nibbling at every piece of his flesh.
ReutersKylian Mbappe – he’s a wonder and needs to be stopped[/caption]
7 – MORE BEATLES
Jude Bellingham’s fan chant ‘Hey Jude’ has proven hugely inspiring to him, so we should extend the Beatles theme to other players – like Till There was Mainoo, Day Trippier, I Phil, and I’m Joe (Gomez) Tired.
8 – SEEING DOUBLE
Harry Kane’s brother and agent, Charlie, looks so like him that Southgate should sub him on for the last ten minutes of each game.
He can run around like the proverbial blue-a*sed fly, confusing and distracting the opposition as the real Harry is left alone to bang in the goals.
9 – WINNING WAG
England indisputably have the hottest WAGs at the Euros, led by Bellingham’s stunning model girlfriend Laura Celia Valk.
Southgate should sit the Dutch bombshell on the end of the bench, clad only in Agent Provocateur lingerie, to distract opposition players.
Instagram/lauraceliavWith some luck, and a little help from WAGS like Laura Celia Valk, the trophy is ours[/caption]
10 – BEWARE RONALDO
England’s other main threat comes from Portugal, a team packed with brilliant young flair and superb older experience. And judging by my text exchanges with the iconic talisman Cristiano in the past week, he’s intent on ruining our party.
He may be 39 now, but he looks fit, sharp and hungry as he scored two fantastic goals in Portugal’s last warm-up game against Ireland this week, and after his biggest rival Messi won the last World Cup with Argentina, he is desperate to win this trophy (again) for his own country.
GettyMy old pal Ronaldo is a big threat[/caption]
11 – WILD BET
Ivan Toney should be made to bet £1 million on himself to win the Golden Boot.
12 – A BAD DEAL
We should ban the chant ‘It’s Coming Home’ until or if it is actually coming home.
13 – PSYCHIC POWER
Watch Phil Foden’s body language very, very closely. He went to see a Manchester psychic named Chloe Smith before flying to Germany and got his Tarot cards read.
So, if she’s any good – and Foden obviously liked what she told him because he did an Instagram post afterwards calling her ‘amazing’ – he already knows if we’re going to win or not.
14 – IS KANE ABLE?
If we do win, somebody needs to show Harry Kane how to lift a trophy. He was at Spurs for so long, he won’t have a clue.
15 – THE SUPERSUB
Cole Palmer mustn’t start a game. The baby-faced assassin is so icily-calm under pressure they call him Cold Palmer at Chelsea.
But Southgate should only use him as a supersub where he can come on late and terrorise tired opposition teams.
16 – DRONE OFF POLITICIANS
No British politicians should be allowed anywhere near the games, killing the mood with their self-interested election campaigning bullsh*t.
Jeremy SelwynSorry Sir Keir, you’re not welcome[/caption]
17 – TRUST IN STARBOY
If it comes to penalties, trust in Bukayo Saka. He’s been incredible since he missed the crucial kick in the 2020 Final, scoring 10 out of 11 penalties he’s taken for Arsenal.
This shows me he’s got nerves of steel.
18 – DON’T MENTION THE WAR
Don’t mention the war. I was editor of the Daily Mirror in 1996 when England hosted the Euros that year and did a lot of daft jingoistic things including flying a Spitfire over the German training ground to drop posters with the headline ‘ACHTUNG! SURRENDER!’
My diabolically dumb antics backfired spectacularly as a rightly enraged Germany won the Tournament.
19 – …EXCEPT FOR THIS BIT
Having said that, the Final will be played at the Olympiastadion which was constructed by Adolf Hitler for the 1936 Olympics to showcase the supposed superiority of his evil Nazi regime.
So, if we do win, I wouldn’t be averse to Jack Grealish sneaking over for the final, necking a dozen cans of lager, and sitting in Hitler’s old seat flicking a Churchill V-for-Victory sign.
20 – PICK THIS TEAM
This is England’s best starting XI from the squad, if they’re all fit: Pickford, Walker, Stones, Guehi, Shaw, Rice, Alexander-Arnold, Bellingham, Foden, Saka, Kane.
It’s a team that can triumph in the Euros… so go win it boys!
If Harry can handle picking up the trophy, it’s hisAP
You’ve got this lads. We believe in youAP